Hiya' Celebrity Special: Listar!
by lar-ton
Summary: Who'd have known after the "Ohm" song and a few voice and guitar lessons later that Lister would make it- but it's not all glitz and glamour in the music industry!
1. Faceless friend

Disclaimer: We (Lar-ton) do not own Dave Lister (sunrise cries at this harsh fact) but we do however own Eerin, Jerry and all other characters, we own the band '3-didget number' and their songs (which will hopefully get to number 1), the Tuli art gallery and other various made up places…be warned if these names and places are stolen they will explode and don't even think of suing us!

**Sunrise over the tango factory's A/N:** Okay, firstly this story needs a bit of explaining. Its parallel universe stuff, where Lister didn't join Red Dwarf…the reason...he made it as a rock star. R.T.T and me are really looking forward to the story because it combines 3 of our most favourite things…Red Dwarf…Rock music and romance (especially Raging, who spends most of her free time running round corn fields in a white floaty dress)

**Raging tree trunks A/N: **Helllllllllllllllllllooooooooo earthlings- and any aliens are there- we have yes ANOTHER story lovingly cultivated by us for your enjoyment. Here is a tale of woe, angst, love, depression- you know the usual stuff so sit back and enjoy peace, love and inner bliss, trunky

**Also BIG BIG BIG Thank you to gottaluvarnrimmer, the girls a genius so check out her work-pronto! **

* * *

With his head thumping, his stomach churning and his throat as dry and rough as sandpaper, Lister reached into his kitchen cupboard, in a desperate search for the aspirin packet. 

The remains of last night's party were strewn over not just the living room, but the entire flat. Beer cans of various names and strengths littered the wooden floor along with streamers, party hats, vodka bottles and remains of food.

Having hastily swallowed the 2 pills, Lister groaned and made a mental note to either a) never host a party again his life or b) make sure he hired a team of expert cleaners to come in straight after so he wouldn't have to wake up the mess and destruction.

The sound of a key turning the door diverted him from his thoughts.

"Lister! How's my famous rock star boy doing this very fine morning, huh?"

Lister narrowed his eyes "fine, Jerry" he muttered, as he began to make coffee…the aspirin weren't doing enough to ease his hangover.

"You're making coffee" smiled Jerry, desperate to make _some _kind of conversation, "great, I'll have a double chocolate frappachino latte with a shot of bourbon and espresso. You got that?"

"No, but sod you! Nescafe's good enough..." smirked Lister.

Jerry looked as though he'd rather die than drink Nescafe, "I can't believe you! You're the worlds biggest rock star and yet you still drink crappy supermarket coffee!"

"Firstly, I'm _not_ the worlds biggest rock star despite what your ego tells you. And secondly there is nothing wrong with supermarket coffee. If I left it up to you, I'd be drinking fucking cognac at 8.30 in the morning!"

Jerry frowned, and adjusted his sunglasses to hide his annoyance "did you have a party last night?" he asked, gazing around at the debris.

"No" said Lister sarcastically "there was nothing on telly so I thought I'd throw food, drink and party streamers about and trash my flat…" he carried his coffee over the window.

One of the main reasons he bought this flat was the view. Being on the 15th floor meant Lister could see across the roofs of buildings and could marvel at London's scenery. At night time, the view was magical!

"That was sarcasm wasn't it!" asked Jerry, hurriedly following Lister, taking care to avoid cans and bottles that carpeted the floor.

"Duh!" spat Lister, positioning himself on the window seat.

Thankfully it was an overcast afternoon, after one of Lister's 'party animal' moods, he often spent the following days in a vampire-like-state. Sitting in his darkened flat, venturing out only when it was dark...He stared thoughtfully for a few minutes at the bustling streets before yawning and stretching.

He was wearing his favourite jeans with chains of varying thickness looped on the belt hooks, they were faded through being put the wash so many times and crumpled because he'd slept in them. He was bare chested as his shirt had suddenly disappeared later on in the party. Lister simply shrugged this off; he didn't particularly like that shirt anyway.

"So" inquired Jerry, sitting down next to him "cop off with anyone at the party?"

Lister raised his eyebrows "if I did...d'you think I'd tell you?"

Jerry blinked "of course...because, _Davey boy_" he said forcefully, pulling Lister into a reluctant hug "I am your much loved manager, you share EVERYTHING with me, Lister. Good or bad...i'm there through it all kiddo!"

Lister yanked himself free, cursing under his breath as scalding hot coffee had been sloshed on his bare stomach as a result of Jerry's affections.

"We're like a married couple." announced Jerry proudly.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa" said Lister quickly "we are _nothing_ like a married couple...we find each other irritating, boring andunattractive" he paused "crap...we _are_ like a married couple"

Jerry beamed "exactly, baby and that's what's got us to the top"

Lister buried his head in his hands "Listen, Jer…I've got a hangover. I feel ill, tired and testy...you're one smart arse comment away from having your head forced into a blender..."

"What are you saying to me, Davey?" asked Jerry, peering at Lister over the top of his ridiculous sunglasses.

"PISS OFF!"

There was a small pause

"Now?"

Lister groaned "No, a month next fucking Tuesday, OF COURSE NOW YOU PONCY GIT, PISS.OFF.NOW"

Despite the fact Jerry was having abuse hurled at him, he smiled "okay, you rest up, feel a little more human and I'll call you later, okay"

"No..." muttered Lister, lying down on the window seat and gazing through the windows.

"Great" said Jerry, walking to the door, oblivious as to what had been said "great! Great! So I'll give you a rain check? I have a pedicure appointment at 1 anyway- ciao babe!"

Lister winced as Jerry managed to slam a supposedly slam-proof door, and created the equivalent noise of ten elephants dancing on drums.

Glancing round the apartment, it was obvious that no way in hell a cleaner would be able to sort this mess out in under a week, not to mention Lister had to make a draft letter for his insurance company.

So he did what he always did in these situations.

Grabbed a pair of big thick shades and his wallet, and head for the Tuli art gallery.

* * *

The Tuli art gallery was more of a giant -noiseless- playground than an art gallery. 

The exhibits were all supposedly modern art, but Lister reckoned they were excuses to have fun but without the noise.

A huge slide led to a huge vat of paint, which once you climbed out was on a huge canvas that you were expected to walk on to create some cool picture, that kinda thing; but Lister's favorite was the music box.

There were two sides to it, like a confession box. Someone sat on either side of it there was a microphone connecting the 2 halves of the boz, and then yougot to talk to each other, except the voice changer within the box made your voice fit your mood. Happy, sad, angry whatever...

Later the box would convert the speech to music to be played through the art gallery quietly and you got a CD to take home.

Lister therefore liked it for two reasons. 1) It appealed to his musical nature and 2) He could be himself, and have a decent conversation without having groupies attach themselves to each leg and scare prospective real friends or girlfriends away with their obsessiveness.

The music box was empty when Lister walked in; he sat down on the cushioned bench and took in his surroundings.

He wondered how many times he must have sat here, thousands probably...it was his escape from the outside world.

"Hello?"

Lister jumped slightly at the voice that came through the mike.

Someone had joined the box.

He froze, debating whether he actually wanted to talk to anyone today.

"Hello?" repeated the person on the other end of the mike "h-e-l-l-o?" there was a pause and Lister thought they'd given up "oh great no ones there...I'll just talk to myself then!"

Lister found himself smiling "I'm here actually" he said, pressing the button to reply to their message.

"Oh thank god, if I don't talk to someone sane...I will honestly go up the frickin' wall"

Lister fought the urge to laugh"well, I'll try to inject some form of sanity into your life...but I can't promise anything"

The person on the other end laughed"you're funny!"

"Likewise-" he smiled.

"I'm Eerin by the way, and you?"

Lister hesistated, he thought about walking out and leaving the mysterious Eerin to interrogate someone else, but he quickly dismissed it, as he wanted to see where this conversation would go.

"Dave." he said simply.

"Dave what? Do you have a last name?"

"No" said Lister"just Dave."

"So just Dave" said Eerin cheerily "how are you?"

"Hung over…" replied Lister, lounging on the bench and staring at his designer trainers sullenly.

"Party animal are you?"

Lister smiled, there was something about this Eerin that made him relax "yeah...I woke up this morning half naked in the bath!"

Eerin laughed"I would have liked to have seen that"

"No you wouldn't" replied Lister "i'm not a pretty sight in the morning...especially after a lot of drink"

Eerin laughed again, and Lister felt shivers being sent down his spine.

"So Eerin-" he said, desperate to ask her some questions "what brings you to the Tuli art gallery?"

"I'm an artist."

Lister nodded in approval "is your work in here then?"

"Sadly no...I've been refused more time then I can count, so technically i'm a struggling artist..."

Lister frowned, the art industry was as difficult to crack as the music industry, and everyone was a critic.

"What about you, Dave" asked Eerin after receiving a pause "why are you here?"

"Alone time"

There was a pause "d'you want me to go then" asked Eerin sounding a little uncomfortable "so you can have your alone time?"

"No" said Lister quickly "No. I mean...I came here lookin' for that...but I found something better"

"What?"

"You!" Lister grimaced as soon as the words had left his lips...he must still be drunk for him to say that...he banged his head on his knees. Eerin would now think he was a complete psycho alcoholic with flirtation issues.

"Flirty as well as hung over" said Eerin mischievously

Lister nodded, but then realized Eerin couldn't see him"yeah"

"Just the way I like my men!"

Lister grinned"Oh yea? What else you like in your men?"

Eerin giggled. "Oh but that would be telling"

Lister laughed, mainly due to fact Eerin had laughed it was as if she's got him under her spell "And?"

Another giggle"Ok, well I like my guys taller than me but i'm only small so that's ok. I like them built slightly, I like them to have something in common with me, ohh I don't know, I sound stupid- i'm a sucker for brown eyes!"

"Well i'm a sucker for sexy voiced, artists with flirty personalities..."

There was a pause on both sides"I went too far?"

"No no! I was just- urm, blushing" replied Eerin hurriedly,

Lister laughed"So what music you like?" he asked. It was a big question he asked to the girls he chatted up.

Eerin smiled"I'm a believer in 'love the music not the artist'-because that's stupid. I love 3-digit number though they rock; I mean 'Pink Shirts' is a classic song- so is 'concrete bucket' and yeah…I love the music. I mean I like other stuff too like really old stuff like Green Day, and you know stuff from years back- the Sex Pistols, but I just heart 3 digit number the most"

Lister felt a lump in his throat"3-digit number!"

The same '3-digit number' he made up together with drummer Bob and bass guitarist Paul.

The same '3 digit number' he'd written 'concrete bucket' and 'pink shirts' with and won awards with…that '3 digit number'!

"Oh yeah there...ok." He said

Eerin laughed"Obviously not a fan. If you were you'd be totally enthusiastic. Shame they've not really done anything in a while."

"Yeah...erm...listen Eerin, can we please change the subject? I don't really like talking about '3-didget number..."

Eerin's voice quickly changed "why? Do you really hate them that much?"

"No...Well yes...you wouldn't believe how much I dislike them...but-"

There was an angry hiss from Eerin "can you do any better?"

Lister felt like this whole situation was getting out of control "that's...that's beside the point." He groaned rubbing his tired eyes.

"No it isn't! You must be a fucking fantastic musician if you think you can do better than 3-diget number!"

"Eerin," said Lister, trying to apologise "look i'm sorry if I offended you, but I really don't like talking about 3-didget number...Eerin...Eerin" she'd gone.

Lister groaned, he'd ruined his chances now, he was just about to leave the music box when the door was flung open and a short girl with shiny black hair blocked his way.  
Her eyes travelled up and down Lister's body, they paused for a second on his facebefore she exclaimed "FUCKIN' HELL...IT'S YOU!"


	2. Ink and Pink

**Sunrise over the tango factory:'s A/N:**Howdy folks. Wow, me and Rage have been pretty busy recently. We've got 3 fan fics on the go...and have not updated any of them...damn...there is a flaw in our brilliant plan it seems. Staccato...the end if nigh for that...this ones just about to kick off...and as for the other one...wait and see! Enjoy chappie!

**Rages A/N:** Ohhhhhh the ideas, this story has the same effectiveness to make me happy as the laminated book of dreams that catches the tears of joy (thats the Argos catolog to you mere mortals) anyway, myself and Sunrise have been slaving away over our typewriter, cigars in hand or mouth, in black and white with a deep male voice over whilst writing this chapter so we hope you enjoy this very much as the cigar fumes and voice over dude are starting to annoy us, love peace and saoirse- Rage xxxx

**Sunrise:** As a final note, we'd like to apologize for rating this story as 'G' and then went on the use the 'f' word several times. Whilst uploading the chapter my Internet connection disconnected, and I had to go through the process of uploading all over again. In my haste to get the story up onto fan fic a.s.a.p I forgot to change the rating on the story to P.G 13. We apologize profusely for any offence this has caused and it was not intended to upset readers. Allow me to slip out of my 'look I can talk posh' before I go mad, sos again…we're so sorry…really we are.

Sunrise and Rage (the writer partnership from hell)

* * *

"Eerin?" Lister asked, the girl nodded. 

They stared at each other for several seconds before Eerin interrupted the silence.

"FUCK! FUCK, FUCK, FUCK-" she paused, and cringed,

"Let me guess what you're thinking" smiled Lister, adjusting his jacket "fuck?"

Eerin nodded mutely, staring at the floor, her face flushed bright pink,

Lister took this opportunity to get a good look at her.

She was pretty with her long black hair, it had a windswept 'bed head' look about it that would no doubt be frowned upon by most of society, she may have been saved from the title of 'scruffy young tearaway' had it not been streaked with pink.

Her clothes were as eye-catching as her hair, if not more. She wore a pale pink t-shirt with the anarchist sign motif in black, a mini skirt with pink netting round the hem, black fishnets and a pair of pink converse.

In addition to that she also wore at least 30 black rubber bracelets on her right arm as well as netted gloves.

"What happened to the chatty artist I got to know?" He smiled, Eerin raised her head, and Lister found himself looking into her large green eyes, and for a moment he was completely speechless, they weren't just green...they were vibrant green and stood out stark against her pale skin.

"I've just made a complete fool of myself," she said rather hysterically, "you probably think i'm some crazy obsessed fan now!" she quickly turned on her heel and walked off,

Lister raced after her, being sure to put his sunglasses on first, "I don't, honest, I thought it was quite sweet the way you stuck up for my band. And for the record you are not an obsessed fan...believe me...i've met obsessed fans...they're scary! You're not…"

Eerin smiled but continued her way through the gallery.

"You come here often don't you" commented Lister, as they climbed a spiral staircase to the 3rd floor.

"How'd you know that?" asked Eerin, fixing him with a curious glance,

"Only the people who keep coming back here time and time again know that the 'No Entry' sign back there's actually a piece of art work"

Eerin giggled "clever git" she teased, her embarrassment clearly over.

"Did you really mean it about '3-didget number? Do you think there a good band?" asked Lister,

Eerin nodded her head "they...I mean you write amazing music, it's not just something you can jump about to, it's meaningful...the lyrics, it's like their written for you...well that's the way I see it anyway" she blushed slightly and pretended to inspect a piece of artwork.

Lister sighed "it's just lately...it's not been about music any more, its since we got this new manager Jerry..." he frowned, "he's changed Paul and Bob...made them demanding A list celebs"

"Is he crap?" asked Eerin,

"Crap?" repeated Lister, he laughed "the guys a moronic, self centered, shallow, irritating, posing bastard and i'm not sure how I've managed to go this long without pushing him through a window on a high rise building!"

Eerin laughed again "I shall have to meet him sometime...talk some sense into him"

Lister shook his head "nah, it'd be easier just to get rid of the fucker...but murder is illegal!"

"I've got to shoot off," said Eerin, "I've got some jobs to do…"

"Oh" said Lister, trying not to sound too put out "erm, okay, yeah...don't let me keep you..."

"There's one thing you could do before I have to go" she said softly, suddenly incredibly interested in her hands  
"yeah?" asked Lister, his heart pounding

"Could I have your autograph...please"

Lister smirked "I thought you said you were into the music, not the musician..." he teased,

Eerin stared him straight in the eye "I do...but there's plenty of people on eBay who'd die to get their hands on your signature!"

"Okay, fine, you can have an autograph for having sharp wit..."

He quickly signed his name on a piece of paper and handed it to Eerin.

"See you around" he smiled before walking off.

Eerin found for the third time that morning her cheeks had flushed bright red, she sighed and glanced down at the paper she held in her hands...her smiled widened as she discovered not only had '3-didget number' singer, guitarist and songwriter Dave Lister gave her his signature...but also his phone number...

* * *

"YOU GAVE HER YOUR NUMBER?" screeched Jerry, tugging at his already minimal hair, 

"Yeah...what's the problem?" asked Lister,

"SHE'S. A. GROUPIE!" wailed Jerry, pouring himself a glass of water to calm him down "d'you remember them Lister? Bra hurling, screaming, overly hormonal, unpredictable females whose main objectives is to have sex with you _then_ steal your boxers..."

"That only happened the once…" groaned Lister.  
"Yeah and news flash _buddy boy_! It's gonna happen again…you'll be the laughing stock of the celebrity world…so don't come crying to me when you're being called 'De-briefed Dave" by the press.  
Lister stared at Jerry "_De-briefed Dave_" he laughed,

"Shut up" snapped Jerry, "stop treating this like a joke..."

"Actually I quite like that name…it's got a great ring to it, hasn't it… De-briefed Dave!"  
Jerry at this point was banging his head on the wall, muttering curse under his breath.

"If you keep headbuttin' the wall like that...you'll knock it down"

Jerry stopped long enough to stare at Lister "I don't care...that's how you make me feel..." he then went back to destroying whatever few brain cells he had left.

"Jerry" said Lister "Eerin's not a groupie, I can trust her...she's different!"

"How'd you know that, huh?" said Jerry,

Lister dazed off dreamily and shrugged, "I dunno- she didn't know I was me- I mean, she didn't see me- she's just- special"

Jerry stopped banging his head on the wall to grab Lister's shoulders and shake him roughly "No, no this can't be happening!" Jerry's hysterics continued to grow dramatically in noise level until Lister prised him off his arm and asked him what he was going on about.

"Lister how could you do this to me?"

"Do what?"

"Fall in love, you damn Casanova you! This is bad. Very bad!"

"What Love! I only just met her"

Lister paused, he'd never really believed in fate or love at first site or fate but maybe- he was cut off my Jerry's loud heart- wrenched sobs down his cell phone to his manicurist.

"Gwen...it's Jerry" sobbed Jerry into his phone "listen baby, i'm gonna have to cancel my appointment" there was a muffled response from the other end "Why? Because Lister's gone and fallen in love and i'm emotionally fragile sweetie...yeah...yeah...okay I'll ask" he moved the phone away and covered the mouth piece "Gwen wants to know can she wear fuchsia pink to the wedding?"

"What wedding? We've only just met!" said Lister desperately, but Jerry completely ignored him,

"Yeah… right…okay" he jabbered down the phone to the fuchsia pink wearing Gwen "is she pregnant?" he asked Lister.

"Who?"

"Eran, Erwin...whatsername!" Jerry clicked his free fingers in annoyance

"Eerin." corrected Lister "and no she is not pregnant...at least I hope not...otherwise I've been severely misinformed on how babies are made...I've only talked to the girl for god sake!"

But Jerry was back to gossiping with Gwen "how'd they meet...oh in that god-for-saken art gallery he practically lives in. Honestly Gwen, he spends more time in there then the art work itself!"

Lister groaned, he wasn't thrilled at Jerry discussing his personal life with a nail painter.

There was more muffled replies from the phone "what...oh honey that's great news...Lister...guess what!"

"Gwen's suddenly realized she's a man?" guessed Lister,

There was a series of angry shouts from the phone, Jerry scowled at Lister before trying to calm down Gwen "yes, yes...ignore him honey...I know you're not a man Gwen, not since your surgery...okay...right...oh...you still want me to tell him...okay" Jerry moved the phone away from his ear "Tipsies had babies" he gave a expectant grin

Lister frowned "Jerry, what makes you think i'm even remotely interested in the life of an irritating postnatal Shitshu owned by a represenitive of 'She males united'?

Jerry shrugged "Gwen, baby, I've gotta dash...what...of course me and Lister will be at the christening...yes...no honey I don't think they do christening gowns for puppies...okay...bye...love you babe, chio!"

Jerry hung up and sighed dramatically, "Well Lister I guess we better put together a press release."

Lister decided to just let it go this time, "You know…this must be _so_ stressful for you Jerry, why don't you go relax- do some shopping- buy some white silk gloves or something equally impractical."

Jerry sniffed, "Well I have been feeling rather run down and your right- your deffinatly right. Thanks Lister"

Jerry beamed and waltzed out the door before Lister double bolted, locked and sat behind the door to ensure that he would not be bothered by anyone for the next 6 hours at least!


	3. Phoneaphobia

**Sunrise over the tango factory A/N:** Howdy guys! I've just had my haircut…and am wondering if 3 inches long is a bit too radical…opinions? Here's another chapter. Rage and me are going to have some great fun with this story; we're introducing a load of wacky characters you only find in the music/fashion/film industry…we hope you enjoy!  
Sunny

**Raging Tree Trunk's A/N: **(Liz has left me to do this, so i'm going to have a guess at what she'd say) Hello there you beautiful people. I've been snowed under recently with science coursework, history coursework and yet...somehow I still have time to write some story...it's a gift! We hope you enjoy this chapter and please review...or I shall chase after you with a large lamenated book of dreams! (Billy Bailey, the new God of standup!)  
Peace, love, prosperity and peas!  
Rage

* * *

Lister woke to the shrill ringing of the telephone. He was slumped behind his front door and after glancing at the clock realized he must have been sat there most of the night, as it was now 3am in the morning.

Who the hell would be calling him at that time?

He could think of only one person.

Jerry.

"Fucking sod- fucking calling-" Lister paused, his hand hovering over the phone debating whether to oblige the idiot and pick up.

The phone decided for him and his answer phone began its monotone message once finished, Lister waited for Jerry's unholy screeches to wail through his apartment but instead came through someone else.

"HE'S FUCKING DONE IT AGAIN DAVE" A female sob rang clear.

Lister placed the voice straight away.

"What's he done now, Cally?"

"Only been shaggin' some more blonde bitches" sobbed Callidora.

Callidora Major, or Cally as she nicknamed by her friends, was a renowned female DJ, she was versatile and totally unpredictable. She was adored by some critics and condemned to hell by others. Her and Lister had met at some dreary celebrity function several years back and they'd remained friends ever since as this meant they each had a reliable shoulder to cry on…only Cally seemed to do a hell of a lot more crying then Lister.

"Not again" sympathised Lister, "the guys a complete bastard!"

Being Irish, Cally had a very specific sense of fun…and that was alcohol. It was nearly always her and Lister still standing, albeit lopsidedly, at the end of the party. She often intimidated people with her forward attitude but deep down she was very sensitive and easily hurt.

No matter which country Cally was in, she'd find the biggest 'heart breaker' there and devote all her affections to him. Countless times she had happily given her heart to a man who took her for a ride and then left her torn apart by grief. It was then up to Lister to pick up the pieces and get Cally back on her feet. This usually involved getting pissed. One of Lister's and Cally's 'I hate life' drinking sessions could last nearly a week.

"I came home, and found him in _my_ bed, bonking away like some sex starved rabbit! And then when I begin to beat the crap out of him he asks 'what's the problem?'" there was a pause as Cally took a swig of an unknown drink...but Lister could guess it was probably alcoholic. "He had three of 'em Lister!" she wailed miserably "THREE! I could understand two, but what's the third one gonna do…offer morale? Provide a commentary?" she gave a little whimper "I want to kill myself!"

Lister was anything but worried by Cally's announcements of suicide; he'd heard her say those five words so many times before that they now had no effect. She was just being over dramatic as per usual, but it was to be expected of her she was an Aries.

"You want my advice, Cally." said Lister softly, "leave the adulterous git to stew for a while, let him think about what he's done. Once he realises how stupid he's been, he'll come crawling back. Don't give him the satisfaction of seeing that he's hurt you!"

Cally sniffed "okay…I'll pretend I'm cool with him shaggin' the brains out of Barbies!"

Lister laughed, "There's a good girl"

Cally sighed "Lister, you're so good at making me feel better…in fact you're so good at it, you should be gay…you're not gay are you?"

"No" said Lister forcefully, as this was often a topic that Cally brought up.

"Shame because I know this gay guy, he's my yoga teacher. Blonde, tanned, great six pack, perfect teeth…you'd make such a sweet couple"

"Cally, no."

"Please" begged the Irishwoman "his names Kyle, and he's absolutely gorgeous…if he was straight I'd date him…in fact sod dating…I'd shag him!"

"Your words are so poetic" teased Lister,

"seriously Lister, he can turn the straightest guy gay!"

"I don't care; it's still a no! I have no interest whatever in this…Kyle!"

"You say that now, wait till you meet him…" giggled Cally, her suicidal mood apparently over.

"Callidora, I suggest you stop trying to swing my sexuality to suit your matchmaking obsession right now, or else I won't tell you about the girl I met…." Said Lister. He could practically hear Cally's ears prick up.

"A girl? Where, when, how, weather, come-on Lister I _need _detail!"

Lister twisted his face into a sly grin, "hmmm, to tell or not to tell..."

Lister could practically see Cally's eyes widening into puppy dog eyes.

"Davey, you- you wouldn't deprive me- lil old me of a little, wee miniscule, tiny, iddy biddy bit of detail- would you?"

Lister pretended to think a moment, "Yes."

Cally grumbled, "Whhhhyyyy? Davey, why?"

"Because you're the biggest gossip this side of the galaxy...I wouldn't mind but you have your own radio show!"

He could hear Cally's grin, "Weeeelll, your lil fans wanna know, and who am I to deprive them of the facts- none of this tabloid bull! Just the full frontal truth of who you bump and grind genitals with darling. Nothing more, nothing less…"

Lister began breathing down the phone heavily and covered the receiver, "sorry Hun what was that, oh can't hear you!" Lister began shouting down the phone, "I CANT HEAR YOU LOVE, SPEAK UP. WHATS THAT? CAN'T HEAR YOU- OH WELL- LATERS"

Lister ended the call and tossed the phone across the room, for it only to begin ringing again. He let it roll onto his message again.

No doubt Cally calling him back, maybe even Jerry. Whichever it was he didn't want to speak to them.

His message ended and the sweetest voice rang through his apartment.

Eerin

"Hi Lister" there was a pause "or should I call you Dave...yeah I'll call you Dave...oh shit i'm on an answering machine...oh double shit...I sound like a complete and total div"

Lister began laughing. It was evident that Eerin was becoming flustered

"Dave, it's me...Eerin...if you hadn't already guessed...we met at the art gallery earlier today...but I bet you already knew that...unless you've suddenly contracted amnesia...which I hope you haven't... but if you have that'll be good because then you'll forgot you'll ever listened to this stupid message which makes me appear thicker with each passing word..."

Lister by this point was in silent hysterics; he couldn't get over some of what Eerin was saying.

"Errrrm, I bet you're wondering why I called you...oh fuck...I hope I've got the right number... well i'm phoning to see if you wanted to like...go...out...sometime...like together...only if you wanted to though...erm...okay...i'm going to go now...before I somehow find a way to embarrass myself even more...if that's possible...bye...love Eerin...oh fuck... I just said love in an answering message...fuck!"

Lister played the tape over and over again, allowing himself to be drawn in by Eerin's sweet voice. He then pressed the 'call back' button...

* * *

When Eerin awoke the next morning, she noticed the little red light flashing on her answering machine; the horrific memories of last night came flooding back.

What the hell had come over her?

One minute she was debating what she was going to say, the next she was blabbering away about complete and total crap…to Dave Lister even…the shame!

She reluctantly walked over to the machine "probably telling me what time to be in court...he's probably charging me for stalking...oh crap..." she took a deep breath and pressed the 'play' button.

"How's Friday at 8, my place?"


	4. Drinkypoos, dates and diamante thongs

**Sunrise over the tango factory's A/N:** Hey folks. We're steaming ahead with this story, and we've got some wicked ideas and characters still to come, and also lots more Cally, ah yes. We love the crazy, drunken, scary Irish woman, she's become a second Hazza to us (Staccato)! Enjoy chapter:D

**Raging Tree Trunks A/N: **Good-day, i'm liking this story its a good outlet for my creative ideas at the moment, which i have no idea where they're coming from since the muse has done a residential runner (ie. gone for good) hmm, should be more depressed, meh, fanfiction cheering me up to no end tho so all is well, happy with story so yah. ttfn and ENJOY : )

* * *

Lister paced the apartment nervously.

What was he panicking for?

He'd had dates with lots of girls in the past, some prettier than Eerin, yet here he was-

"Lister, do you think you can wear pink at the Rawk Awards this year?"

Lister sighed, "No Jerry-when you gonna bugger off anyway?"

Jerry's eyes widened in surprise "you mean you _don't_ want me to stay?"

Lister swore under his breath "I thought I made it obvious when I spent 20 minutes trying to push you through the door!"

"You were trying to get rid of me!" repeated Jerry dumbstruck "trying to push me out the door... I thought that was an elaborate hug...I feel so betrayed!"

"Good" said Lister through gritted teeth "now go and feel betrayed somewhere else!"

"Why can't I join in with the date?" whined Jerry.

Lister gave an involunatry shudder at the thought of Jerry joining him and Eerin "Jerry! That would be just be...weird okay! It'd be like bringin' your mum along..."

"I brought my mom on dates with me…" said Jerry, taking a sip of one of his famous poncy coffee combinations.

That for Lister was the final straw "and that might be an explanation for the way you are now...so, if you'd be so kind...piss off!"

Somehow, Lister managed to buy Jerry off with a lie that Gucci were having a late night sale on diamante thongs, and within seconds he was gone.

After a minute or two of silence, Lister began to regret it, at least when Jerry was here he created a distraction away from the growing sense of panic.

Lister took to once again pacing the apartment, wringing his hands. He felt the bottom of his stomach fall away when he heard the doorbell buzz.

He tugged the door open full force, regretting it instantly. Now he'd look like a completely desperate twat.

His stomach lunged as he saw her.

"What are you, err doing here Cally?"

Cally shook a bottle of wine under his nose and winked, "Thought you could use a little drinky-poos Davey"

Lister groaned, "err, why would you think that?"

"Well correct me if i'm wrong- but it was your good self that called me up at 2am this morning and left the most incoherent and garbled message, which led me to believe my wittle Davey's nervous about his datey watey! And as cute and endearing that is…you're gonna look like a complete twat" Lister groaned, "-if you don't relax. Thus my home made bottled punch" Cally grinned and Lister groaned- again.

"Cally, your punch is- evil, quite frankly. I barfed on this gorgeous girl, and buried my head in the mayors wife's breasts last time I drank it!"

Cally's smile widened, "They were my breasts Davey."

Lister frowned, "really? I could have sworn it was some fat old bird."

Cally's mouth went tight "you didn't seem to be complaining when you feel asleep on them" she huffed, striding into the apartment and throwing herself on the couch.

Lister groaned "Cally...I don't mean to sound rude but can you get the fuck out of here...like right now"

"Why?" she asked, lighting a cigarette.

"Because Eerin's going to be here in 5 minutes and I'd like to get to know her a little better before the combination of you and Jerry scare her off!"

Cally gave him a sympathetic look "you really like this girly, don't you?"

Lister hesistated before nodding.

She ran her tongue across her teeth in thought.

"Oh alright, I'll leave you two bloody love birds alone...tomorrow though...you, me and large bottle of Jack Daniels...interested?"

"Wouldn't miss it for the world" replied Lister, ushering her out of his apartment.

"Show her a good time," purred Cally, giving Lister a quick peck on the cheek and a pat on the bum.

Literally the moment Cally disappeared into one lift, Eerin emerged out of the other. She beamed as she saw Lister standing at his apartment door.

"Waiting for me?" she laughed.

Lister tried to act calm, but failed spectacularly "no...Well yes. I mean," he sighed in exasperation of his failure "d'you want to come in?"

He held the door open for Eerin taking in her outfit as she walked past.

She was wearing elaborate knee high leather boots with millions of buckles working they're way upwards. The top of the boots just skimming the hem of her skirt, underneath it was satin with seemingly thousands of layers of meshing. A belt slung low across her hips and a seemingly plain black tee, except when she turned around revealed her bare back, a neat little Celtic knot tattoo poking above the base of her spine and, to Lister's pleasure, NO BRA.

"D'you want a drink?" he asked, eyes still glued to her back, Eerin turned round and smiled shyly "please,"

"Wine okay?" Lister asked, trying to not look directly at her tits.

She nodded. 

Lister fumbled with the corkscrew trying to open the wine, which got him thinking on how he'd like to 'screw' Eerin. He tried to expel the alluring image from his mind, deciding a man left alone with his thoughts after seeing a very sexy woman was a dangerous thing indeed.

After a few seconds Eerin popped her head round into the kitchen, "Can I come in here? Seems so anti-social to sit in the lounge whilst you're in a different room."

Lister nodded feebly and she slipped onto the bar stool opposite, revealing a lil upper thigh.

Lister choked on his own breath.

Eerin smiled politely, "Need help with that?" 

Lister laughed nervously as he totally made a wreck of the cork "no, I'm…fine"

"Here" Eerin jumped back off the stool, came up behind Lister, stood on her tip toes and wrapped her arms around his torso to teach him how to open a bottle of wine -as if he didn't know! -

"Not much of a drinker I see," she said smiling,

Lister nodded, "Yea, cleaner than clean me."

Eerin smirked, "you don't know what you're missing…"

Lister's immediate thought was ' well for one i'm missing those tits-" but he decided not to voice this, so he shook his head instead.

Eerin's eye had suddenly become dark and mysterious, "I could convert you," she whispered.

Lister suddenly became aware of how close she was "c..c..convert me to...what exactly"

"Convert you to world of drink, the world of sex... the world of fun!"

Lister swallowed nervously "oh yeah?"

Eerin smiled "yes, but we'll save that for later," she smiled, grabbing a glass of wine and twirling her skirts into the lounge. She looked like a giant black fairy.

Lister grabbed the bottle and took a swig straight from it before grabbing a glass, rolling his shoulders back and following her.


	5. Overuse of alliteration

**Sunrise over the tango factory's A/N: **It's the Easter holidays…and I'm probably just going to sleep for the next 2 weeks...but our school has issued a revision timetable as a guideline. (Sarcastic voice) Yes…I'll stick to that! Anyway, here's another chapter and also, BIG thanks to Smegginitlarge and Feline Ranger for reviewing! Cheers

**Raging Tree Trunk's A/N:** lol, now I always thought I'd hate jerry but he's become like my fave character he has THE best lines, which in this chappie happens once more, I just wub (Sunrise translates: Love) the thong, nails and designer clothing obsessed freak... we need to give him an equally scary gf... oh and schools out! YAY! Anyway enjoy

And now…we pick up where we left off…

* * *

"Oh yes... oh yes... oh GOD YES! Come to daddy, come to daddy!"

"No, you can't go that way!"

"Why not?"

"You just can't, it's in the rules..."

"What rules? Since when have there been rules for this?"

"Never mind that now...yes...yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes YES!" there was a satisfied sigh "Oh god... I don't think I've _ever _had that good a time doing this," said Eerin, pushing her fringe out of her face in exhaustion.

Lister smiled "hey...when you play Twister with Lister, you know you're in for a good time"

Eerin laughed before taking a sip of her wine "normally I never get so physical on a first date" she said breathless.

"I'd hardly call playin' twister physical" said Lister, pouring out another glass.

Eerin raised an eyebrow "oh yes, and you just happened to conveniently fall over and land with both your hands placed directly on my breasts?"

"Damn, it didn't look like accident"

She gave a sly smile "please, Dave, I've seen more realistic accidents on 'America's most dangerous home videos'!"

Lister grinned, "That's only to be expected on American TV though"

Eerin returned his grin and flipped onto the couch, her boots lay carelessly under the coffee table,

Lister found himself once again slipping into a dream world. He watched, mouth slightly open as Eerin twirled her raven black hair around her slender fingers as she gazed out of the window.

It had been like this for most of their date, she'd talk away, and he'd just sit there staring at her, occasionally going 'yeah' or 'I agree', truth was...and Lister was slightly disturbed by this...he was falling for Eerin.

"That views amazing" she sighed, stretching herself out on the couch,

"That's one of the main reasons I bought this flat...the view...it's just magic" he then decided to chance his arm. He slipped silently into the seat next to Eerin,

"I hope you won't think i'm pushy or...desperate...but Eerin...would you mind if I kissed you?"

Eerin quickly turned to face Lister, as if to check that he'd actually said those words to her.

"W-what?" she laughed nervously.

Lister drew breath "I want to know if you'd let me kiss you..."

Eerin look was worth more then a thousands words, her smile was a mile wide and she looked as if she didn't know whether to laugh or cry with joy, so she nodded.

Lister took her head in his hands and gently pulled her towards him, he was just about to place his lips on hers when the door to his flat was hurled open.

"SHE'S SINGLE!"

Jerry was stood at the doorway, face flushed with excitement, a brand new copy of'Hiya' celebrity magazine in his hand.

"SHE'S SINGLE!" he sang, dancing into the flat, skipping through the pages of the magazine.

Lister, who up until this point had been speechless with shock and rage, suddenly found his voice "Jerry... what the hell are you doin' here...I thought I made it clear I wanted you to piss off!"

"I know" said Jerry, pulling a face, "but I just have to show you this" he then squeezed himself inbetween Lister and Eerin, "look" he beamed, shoving the glossy magazine into Lister's face "LOOK!"

"I will if you stop trying to shove it up me nose" he snapped, grabbing the magazine out of Jerry's hands.

Lister did as he was told, and looked at the double page spread.

**"Sexy Sopton's suddenly single"** boasted the headline.

"What is it with crappy celeb mags and the over use of alliteration?" asked Lister,

"Just read...read...READ!" demanded Jerry, stabbing the page with his digit finger.

"Okay, okay," said Lister, shaking his head "don't get your g-string in a knot" and he turned his attention back to the article.

He looked at the pictures first.

The same young woman was splashed across the pace. She was beautiful...but it was manufactured beauty, Her skin...a little too orange, eyes a little too wide and grin a little too glossed over. Wide and gleaming white were all good words to describe Sophia Sopton. Paparazzi snaps showed her clad in the latest fashion garb wrapping her up, blonde hair trailing behind her, a single tear running down her cheek as she left her boyfriends (no ex-boyfriends) apartment.

Lister still had no idea why the hell this had anything to do with him.

"It's Sophia Sopton," announced Jerry, tugging on Lister's arm with un-squashable joy

"You know...the model...she's single!"

"And?" said Lister, still completely missing the point

"She loves your band!"

"And?"

Jerry gave an over dramatically exasperated sigh "so...I say you get in there!"

"Jerry" said Lister slowly; closing the magazine "I'm kind of already goin' out with someone else" he gave Eerin a supportive smile behind Jerry's back.

"That Eergen girl" he snorted, "who cares!"

"She might," said Lister icily "as she's sat right beside you"

Jerry's grin slipped off his face, he turned slowly to see Eerin glaring at him.

"You know I was only joking, right," he laughed,

"I'd better go," said Eerin standing up and grabbing her boots.

"Eerin, please…don't go..." pleaded Lister, jumping up off the couch "Jerry was just leaving...weren't you Jerry"

"What?" said Jerry, who salvaged the magazine off the floor and was currently reading the front page scandals "No, i'm not leaving"

"Will you never get the hint?" yelled Lister,

"What hint?" asked Jerry, genuinely perplexed. Lister would have loved to there and then beat Jerry to death with the blasted magazine, but he had bigger problems...Eerin was in the process of pulling on her coat.

"Eerin" Lister begged, taking hold of her hand "please...don't leave because of him...he didn't mean what he said...honest!"

She paused briefly and glanced him in the eye; Lister could swear her eyes were welling up a bit,

"I'll talk to you later Dave" and with a swift peck on the cheek and a disgusted glance at Jerry she pulled out a pair of pumps from her bag slipped them on and left the apartment muttering something about a quick get away.

Lister groaned, he didn't give Eerin a 'proper' kiss...and know she'd gone...and would probably not call...or acknowledge his existence in anyway...or if she did...she'd be selling her story of her 'Disaster date with Dave' to 'Hiya' magazine for a five figure sum... he groaned and covered his face with his hands.

Jerry meanwhile looked up from his nails which he was now buffing, "Shall we give Sophia a ring then?"


	6. Talking dirty

**Lar-ton's A/N:** Guttentag mein freundlings...2 years of German and that's all i've got to show for it...well it's better then my 5 years of French and the onlyphrase I know is 'lelandeman soir'...which means the following evening! Okay, more Cally in this chapter, she rocks! Me and Liz have had a pretty terriable day...so Ii tried to cheer her up by writing a little scene between Cally and Lister...she then said I couldn't just leave it like that...so I wrote more...and...well..read on and find out! Also, chapters may become more angsty as time wears on as both me and Liz are huge fans of 'My Chemical Romance' and have fallen in love with the song 'I'm not okay'...Lovin' the "Trust me" bit! Sorry, here I am rambling on about German, French and songs...meh...anywho! enjoy chapter. Also we'd love it if you told us the bits you liked, and if there are any of you out there...reading...but not reviewing...please do...we don't mind annoymous reviews...we just like feedback...we're junkies...so be nice and give us our fix!  
Peace  
Sunrise and Rage

* * *

"Bastard" yelled Cally, as Lister told of how Jerry had completely ruined his chances with Eerin.

"Tell me about it" he groaned.

He and Cally were shopping, well to be precise, Cally was shopping and Lister was just tagging along with her so he had someone to whine to.

Cally lit a cigarette, ignoring the 'No Smoking' signs that literally covered the walls of the boutique "now, here's what you do Dave" she said forcefully, waving her cigarette at him menacingly "Grab the geezer by the nuts and say 'back off my life, it's mine, I've worked damn hard for it and there isn't any room in it for fat, poncy, overpaid, undersexed dictators... got it'!"

Lister shook his head, looking slightly scared "sorry, I lost you from the bit where you said I should grab his nuts!" he gave an irrepressible shudder "ugh, bad mental image!"

Cally plucked a lime green halter neck dress from a nearby rack "Whatcha think?" she asked, holding it against her figure and smiling.

Lister checked to see if she was serious "I think it's disgustin''!"

"Great...I'll get it!"

"I didn't know lookin' like a walking kiwi was in this season," he said, looking around at the garishly coloured clothes with hideously expensive prices and wondering if having extreme amounts of money shrouded your sense of style.

"It's not…" said Cally, only half listening as she was drooling over a pair of knee high white leather boots with pink fur around the ankles. "That look was last season...this season it's all about clinical colours, sweetie!"

"Cally, I know how much shopping for stupid over priced crap means to you, but please...i need advice on what to do about Eerin...please!"

She gave a sigh and turned to Lister, wrapping her arm round his shoulders protectively "have you got her number?" she asked.

"Yeah."

"Call her" said Cally, "call her and put everything straight...if you think she's the 'one' and you believe you can trust her _not_ to sell your bath water on eBay, then go for it!"

"Thanks Cal" smiled Lister, his mind now at ease, he made to leave but she grabbed his arm,

"One more thing...if this bitch messes about with you in any way, shape or form...I'll break both her legs with a sledgehammer…"

Lister winced "i'm glad you know how to be a proper lady, it'd be just horrid if you were violent and malicious!"

Cally frowned "seriously Dave, you're like my little bro, I love you to bits...and I don't want you to get hurt...so just be careful…okay!"

* * *

The phone call to Eerin didn't go as well as Lister would have hoped.

Firstly, he was nervous and garbled his profuse apologies down the phone only to realize he'd accidentally called his local takeaway. When he eventually did get through to Eerin, things went from bad to worse. She sounded really upset and Lister apologizing seemed to make it worse.

"I'm sorry Dave, it's just...when Jerry waltzed in and was eager to set you up with that Sopton stick insect...it all sort of hit home...I like you, but I don't want to rush into things, because if I do, I'll probably find myself splashed across tacky celebrity news magazines"

"You won't, I swear," said Lister hastily. He knew he could never actually stop that from happening, the paparazzi were everywhere. If you had just been thrown from a nightclub you could bet your money that within a minute at least 5 of them would be there, cameras flashing, asking you to turn this way and that so they could see the full extent of your drunkenness...this had happened to Lister on several occasions.

"I just want to take things slow" said Eerin, "let's be friends first and see what comes of it"

In any normal situation with any other girl, Lister would have seen this as a rejection; he'd then label the girl frigid and leave as quickly as possible. But with Eerin things were different, Lister was perfectly okay with the 'lets be friends first' idea, in fact...he thought it was better then them rushing into a relationship.

Too many times in the past he'd allowed himself to be seduced by a girl, who turned out to be either a gold digger, a two timer or an undercover reporter...in fact, one girl had been all 3.

"That's fine," said Lister, "so, where would you like to go tomorrow as friends?"

* * *

Lister looked up at the oak beams, "wow, thought you said it was small"

Eerin giggled," I said no such thing- I said it was _quaint_ but I didn't say it was small."

Lister pulled a pretend scowl, "same difference!"

Eerin elbowed him gently as Lister admired the rest of the pottery barn/coffee house.

It was quaint alright, a converted barn that had somehow managed to withstand years of redevelopment and bombing within London long enough to be bought by a artsy type who, with the aid of deep velvet purple curtains, midnight blue walls, cherry rugs and dark hard wooden floors had created a somewhat mix between a fortune tellers hut and an art classroom.

"So, what d'you actually do here...beside admire the ceiling?"

"Pottery"

Lister looked slightly uncomfortable "oh...right...and am I expected to-" he made gestures with his hands and nodded towards the display of brightly coloured painted vases, bowls, and mugs.

Eerin grinned impishly "oh yes" she laughed, "it's a rule, first timer comers _have_ to make something"

"Have you got to make something besides a mess?" said Lister, raising his eyes to the ceiling that was covered in ivy and hundreds of miniature clay fairies that were available for sale.

Eerin placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder "it's easy, and I'll help you out" 

Easy wasn't the word Lister would have used to describe pottery...bloody impossible was much more fitting.

Within 5 minutes he was literally covered in mud, and he made the mistake and itching his head with clay covered fingers.

"How you getting on?" asked Eerin brightly, sitting at the pedestal next to him.

Lister didn't bother answering and just groaned.

"That bad" she laughed, "here, let me help."

She went round the back of Lister and crouched down, she slid her arms round his torso and held his clay covered hands "it's all in the movement of your fingers" she explained, making his hands glide over the lump of clay.

"I can move my fingers just fine thank you…only it's not during pottery!" he said cheekily  
Eerin gave him a slap on the wrist for his innuendo and continued to mould the clay,

Lister began chuckling

"What's so funny?" asked, tilting her head to look at him,

"I was just thinkin'...this is like that scene in 'Ghost', where she's sat at the pedestal making that pot and her boyfriend comes out and they start making this pot together...getting all intimate...and what your doing is really…like what happens…" he trailed off as he saw how un-amused Eerin looked. "I just thought it was funny," he said, cringing.

"As I remember correctly" said Eerin quietly "after they'd played about with the pot...they had mad, passionate sex"

Lister smiled "oh, must have forgotten how that bit goes! Care to refresh my memory?" 

Eerin gave a short laugh "I've forgotten it too!"

"Damn" swore Lister,

Several hours later, Eerin and Lister left the coffee bar/pottery barn.

"You didn't do that badly," said Eerin, "in fact i'm quite impressed, not many first time potters can make a vase"

"Come off it" said Lister, "you were the one doin' all the work..."

There was a moment of silence, "I guess I'd better be going" said Lister, "can I give you a hug...to say goodbye"

Eerin nodded, and couldn't help grinning as Lister cuddled her close, "check your pocket" he whispered in her ear before he broke off and walked away. Eerin watched him walk off before putting her hand in her jacket pocket. Her fingers closed round an unfamiliar object and she pulled it out.

It was a tiny clay fairy with jet-black hair and emerald green eyes...


	7. Press Junket

**Raging Tree Trunk's A/N:** Ok, amongst getting my room painted Barbie pink (not intended), drooling over my chemical romance, pc breakdowns and listening to alternative dance music me and sunrise have managed to jigsaw together yet another chappie of Hiya for your enjoyment, soo err, enjoy, love tofu and skater anthems.  
Liz aka Raging Tree Trunk : )

**Sunrise over the tango factory's A/N: **Hey my cool peeps! I've hardly had a spare moment this holiday, revision classes, homework, cleaning, going down to Urbis and being forced to meet new people...if anyone was approached on Friday, at Urbis by a group of 5 girls offering malteasers...then I was the red haired one who just stood there stupidly and hardly said a word! So, somehow and don't ask me how, we've managed to harness our creative energy and here it is. A Brand new chappie! Also, Liz and me feel it is quite important for us to mention, that we've both fallen in love with Jerry (ug, not in that way, as a character)...ah yes, we've become quite smitten with the little man bitch! Plenty more of him to come! Enjoy.  
Sunny

* * *

Coughing, spluttering and gasping for breath, Lister sat bolt upright, wiping the water from his eyes. To most people, throwing yourself into an icy cold bath first thing in the morning would be a pretty crazy thing to do, but Lister could tell by his hangover that it refused to be soothed out by coffee and aspirin.

He gave a small sigh as the relentless pounding inside his head decreased a little, and he lay back. Staring at the ceiling, submerged in freezing water, Lister's thoughts turned to Eerin.

They'd been going out as 'friends' for 5 weeks now, and he still didn't know what to make of their relationship.

The more time he spent with her, the more he found himself falling for her. His waking thoughts were devoted to her, and in his dreams her elfish features and long black hair seemed to reach into his very soul and bring life to some of his darkest desires.

Lister knew that his feelings for Eerin were a lot more than just 'friends', but he didn't know if she felt the same way. She'd smile when he turned up on her doorstep, and she'd try her hardest not to look to upset when he had to leave, but she never held his hand, never asked for a kiss…never asked if their relationship could be taken to the next level.

"Lister?" came a shout, making him jump and knock an empty wine glass off the bath edge where it shattered on the floor.

Jerry poked his head round the door "there you are." he laughed, coming fully into the bathroom, he glanced at Lister, who was lay fully clothed in the bath.  
"You do know you're meant to _remove_ your clothes before you get in" said Jerry, crossing his arms in a very camp way.

"Not when it's a hangover cure," groaned Lister.

"Hangover?" repeated Jerry, outraged "3 times this week I've come round and you've been hung-over!"

"I couldn't help it" said Lister, standing up and ringing out his shirt "I went out with Cally last night…and she can get anyone to drink, and by anyone I mean even the most determined monk who believes alcohol is a sin…she could have him bladdered within an hour."

Jerry rolled his eyes towards heaven; "you've got to reinforce some self control…what would it look like if you turned up for a press conference hung-over!"

Lister, who was drying his face with a towel froze "press conference?"

"Yeah, for that thing, you know- the thing-the thing we needed to do for the press…that thing!"

"What _thing_?" snapped Lister

Jerry shifted uncomfortably "didn't I tell you?"

"Yeah" said Lister sarcastically "that's why I sound so shocked, because I'm completely in the know" he scowled and pushed passed his agent.

"Davey" said Jerry pleasantly "please don't hate me…"

"Too late!"

Jerry decided to change the subject quickly "so, what did you crazy kids get up to last night?"

Lister first of all didn't take kindly to be called a 'crazy kid', and secondly he knew Jerry was only asking so he wouldn't have his brains beaten out for continuing with the previous conversation. "Well I met up with Cally at 2."

"Am or pm?" asked Jerry, as 'drinking time' could start at any time where Callidora was concerned.

"Pm" replied Lister, grabbing a clean t-shirt off the stairs and quickly pulling it on "we went out, got pissed, I was back here for 5…"

"5 pm… well I am impressed"

Lister grinned "5 am, this morning!"

Jerry was appalled " 5 AM! What the hell are you, some kind of maniac! Staying out that late wreaks havoc with your skin!" he gave a shudder "it's bringing me out in blotchy skin just thinking about it…got any moisturiser?"

Lister gave Jerry a strange look before walking up to his bedroom, he was just about to close the door on him when:

"You and Eerin still going out?"

Lister hesitated "Yeah, why? What's it to you?"

Jerry walked over "oh nothing" he smiled "just wanted to know. How are things going…had sex yet?"

Lister was about to lie but the look he gave spoiled his chances. Jerry gave a loud gasp of shock and placed a hand on his chest.

"You've been going out for 5 weeks and you've not had sex YET?" he then began fanning himself furiously "Dave my lad, I think you're loosing your touch!"

"We're taking it slow" hissed Lister angrily, "and I've not lost my touch…granted that in previous relationships I've met a girl, kissed her, shagged her, dumped her before 5 weeks, but Eerin isn't just any girl…she's…indescribable!"

Jerry raised an eyebrow "for once, I agree!"

Lister was about to have a good old slanging match with Jerry but found he just didn't have the energy "what times this stupid press release then?" he asked wearily.

"3.30"

Lister nodded "I'll got get ready"

"That's my little rocker," said Jerry heartily, "you go make yourself look gorgeous, I'll just potter around quietly"

"Whatever" grumbled Lister, closing his bedroom door.

Jerry waited to make sure he didn't come out again before grabbing his cell phone; he feverishly punched a number in and held it to his ear "Sophia" he smiled "it's on!"

* * *

Jerry tutted as Lister stared sullenly out of the car window, but he was ignored.

So Jerry tutted again, louder this time, Lister merely turned away and acted he hadn't heard.

Jerry frowned before tutting once again; it was the equivalent of 'shout tutting', this time Lister snapped

"What the fuck is your problem?" he yelled, spinning round to face Jerry.

"Why did you have to wear _those_ clothes?"

Lister looked down at himself trying to spot a fault before looking back at Jerry confused and slightly insulted "what's wrong with these clothes?"

"Oh nothing" smiled Jerry "if you don't mind looking like a scruff bag!"

Lister didn't think he looked particularly scruffy; he was wearing his black jeans, a white t-shirt, a black blazer with band badges on the labels and his black Doc Martens, compared to some of the stuff he could have worn, he looked quite smart.

"I don't look like a scruff" he retorted

Jerry let out an obnoxious laugh "well...that's debatable"

Lister frowned "okay, if we're criticizing clothes, d'you remember when we went the opening of the 'Pemming Institute of modern music' and you were wearing that gray suit with thick green pinstripes and you asked if you looked alright and I said 'yeah."

Jerry nodded "yes"

"I lied," grinned Lister

"WHAT!" screeched Jerry

"Personally I thought you looked like a walking wall with a moss problem!"

Jerry was now in a state of complete shock, "wall…I LOOKED LIKE A WALL…IN PUBLIC AND NO BODY HAD THE GUTS TO TELL ME!" he yelled.

"Why you so bothered about me lookin' like a scruff anyway, it's only a press conference..."

"Ah" said Jerry, twitching "erm, well, for the reason that if you look bad…then I look bad. We've got a reputation to keep up Lister and plus, you don't know if there's a lady there who quite tickles your fancy" he then winked and settled back in his seat.

Lister just shrugged and thought nothing more about it. It was only when the car stopped outside the 'Maison Brume' one the most expensive and trendy restaurants in London.

"Why we stopping here?" asked Lister, as Jerry climbed gracefully out of the car, he swore under his breath and scrambled out after him.

"Jerry, have you got fake tan in your ears or something? WHY ARE WE HERE? Aren't press releases usually in hotels or board rooms?"

Jerry said nothing but smoothed out imaginary creases on Lister's blazer before striding into "Maison Brume".

"Jerry" hissed Lister chasing after him, before freezing.

He felt his blood run cold as he saw what lay ahead of him.

Sophia Sopton.

Dressed in a red evening gown.

Beaming at him.

Sat at a table for two...


	8. Love Bungee

Raging Tree Trunk's A/N: Ok, surprisingly enough even though Sunrise was obsessing over Craig Charles well being during the writing of this chapter we managed to get it finished, phew. Man she's tryin to find any link to Craig Charles she can, who the hell is Phillip Olivier anyway?  
Oh well, enjoy the chappie folks,  
love and peace.  
Rage.

Sunrise over the tango factory's A/N: You will never guess who is playing in a charity football game my dad has organised…Phillip Olivier...who is currently participating in the 'Games' with Craig Charles. I personally think he's (talking about Craig by the way) doing amazing! He's suffered a neck and back injury and the guy still gives it his all! Go Craig! Anyhow, here's another chapter for you lovely people! Thanks for all reviews, much appreciated! And yes Feline Ranger…Jerry is going to be in deep shit!  
Rock on!  
Sunrise

p.s Obsessing Rage? I wouldn't go that far…I'm merely showing my support…perhaps to the extreme!

* * *

"Please…Lister…be reasonable…I never meant…NO DON'T!" Jerry wailed as he dived out of the path of a vase that had been hurled at his head. He lay whimpering on the floor for a moment before he was grabbed by the lapels, yanked to his feet and forced against the wall. 

Lister was well past the point of being 'reasonable'; he was at the stage where his anger had taken over, all that mattered now was forcing as much pain as humanly possible on the bastard Jerry.

Jerry was cowering against the wall. He wasn't a fighter, even as a young boy he preferred to pay bigger boys to do the dirty work whilst he stood and watched. He had the incredible knack to talk his way in and out of dangerous situations…but normally he wasn't being forced against a wall by an angry rock star. Jerry decided to use his last line of defence, "What would Eerin think of you now?"

Lister's face froze "Don't bring Eerin into this-" he hissed, tightening his grip on his managers jacket.

Jerry sneered, "She'd be disgusted!"

This did the trick, Lister backed away.

Jerry, the manicured pompous git man-bitch was right…. what was he doing? Violence wasn't the answer; she'd be so disappointed.

Lister ran out of the apartment slamming the door behind him before Jerry sighed, "Ashamed of those shoes any way, what a fashion victim…"

Eerin felt like her whole world had come crashing down around her. She felt like every breath had been forced out her chest, so much so, she was sure she would die.

"DAVE'S DATE WITH SOPTON SAUCEPOT!"

That was the top story plastered all over the news-stand. She grabbed a magazine and flicked through it's pages, she gave a strangled sob when she saw the pictures, Sophia was flirting with the camera, while a very bored looking Lister sat next to her.

She quickly skim read the article.

"It looks like London's two top singletons have found each other. Successful model Sophia Sopton and '3 digit number' band member Dave Lister were spotted enjoying

a romantic meal for 2 at 'Maison Brume'. We managed to grab a quick word with Sophia as she left the restaurant and when questioned about her relationship with Dave, she was only too happy to tell.  
'Me and Dave have something special! We've been dating for a while now and the more we know each other, the more we love each other!"

Eerin by now had tears cascading down her cheeks…they'd been going for a while, but she and Lister had been going out, alright it wasn't technically going out but still, for five weeks…did this mean he'd been seeing her before racing off to the arms of the Sopton slapper?

"Oi, love" sniffed the newsstand attendant "are you gonna pay for that or cry over it all day?"

Eerin shook her head and placed the magazine down before scurrying off.

She went and sat in the nearby park to try and gather herself.

She should have known better...a person like Lister would never be satisfied with someone like her... she wasn't famous, she wasn't rich, she didn't socialize with the biggest names, she wasn't drop dead gorgeous...she was a nobody.

She cast her mind back over her previous 'dates' with Lister. He seemed affectionate enough, but what if it was all a game, maybe he pitied her, felt sorry for her…

Eerin took a deep breath and stood up, a newly created sense of determination flowed through her body.

She'd go round to Lister's apartment right now and tell him she loved him…and if he weren't in she'd wait for him, she had to tell him her feelings today…before it was too late.

* * *

"No! You great big twat, how could you miss a shot like that! It was handed to you on a plate, you daft French poof!" screamed Cally at the TV, sloshing her beer about, she then noticed Lister wasn't joining in with her berating of football players. 

"What's the matter with you?" she asked.

Lister put his head in his hands and groaned, "You mean you've not heard…"

"Heard what?" asked Cally lighting 2 cigarettes, she took one for herself and offered the other one to Lister, who refused as he felt too stressed to even smoke. He then tossed her a copy of 'Hiya'.

"Page 5" he muttered miserably.

Cally's eyes widened "NO FUCKIN' WAY" she exclaimed, "YOU AND THE MAN EATING MODEL!"

"It's a load of bollocks!" snapped Lister, annoyed that his closest friend assumed he'd even look at Sophia Sopton twice.

"I know that" replied Cally, "please…you and her…as if! You couldn't warm up to her even if you were cremated together!"

Lister looked towards Cally, "So d'you think Eerin would believe me if I said I was forced on that date…"

She ran her fingers through her cropped blonde hair while she searched for reassuring words, "oh good lord, is that the time!" she exclaimed when she spotted her watch "I've got a gig in 20 minutes. Dave, can I get changed here?" she asked, unbuttoning her blouse,

"Yes, course" said Lister quickly, shielding his eyes from Cally's advancing bosom "just _please_, do it in the other room…seeing you naked would just be too weird!"

Cally smiled gratefully, grabbed her bag and raced to get dressed in Lister's bedroom.

She'd just closed the bedroom door when there was a knock at the front door.

'Probably Jerry' thought Lister bitterly, 'seeing if he can sweet talk his way out of trouble'. Lister heaved a sigh and opened the door; he jumped back slightly when he saw it was Eerin.

"Hi" she said, far too eagerly.

"Hi" replied Lister nervously: he knew what was coming. Eerin had come to tell him it was all over, because of the Sopton thing.

Eerin cleared her throat "Dave, I've come here to-"

"Please don't" begged Lister, holding up his hands for her to stop "I don't want to hear what you've got to say-"

"You don't?" repeated Eerin, as an immense wave of grief swamped her hopes and dreams she had for her future.

"No" said Lister "at least not yet, give me a chance to explain first...come in"

Eerin obediently followed Lister into his flat; she could see he was troubled by something; she stood awkwardly next to the couch and awaited Lister's 'explanation'.

"Eerin" he said suddenly "I just want to say...that I've really enjoyed...no not enjoyed...I've _loved_ these past 5 weeks...and I'd never do anything intentionally to hurt you...because I couldn't bear the thought of ruining what we've got together!"

Eerin smiled, more out of relief then happiness,

"So go on," said Lister, taking a breath in preparation "what did you want to say to me?"

"I love you" Eerin blurted out

Lister found that words failed him; all he could manage was "eh?" and a confused look.

Eerin beamed at him "I LOVE YOU!" she cried, she then flung her arms round his neck and held him as if to never let go.

Lister was numb with shock, "you mean it?" he whispered, as Eerin laid her head on his chest.

She gave a small laugh "yes."

"Seriously?"

"Yes!"

Lister gave a whoop of delight and wrapped his arms round Eerin's waist and held her in his arms "I love you too" he said, before kissing her.

Just as they were succumbing to each other's passion, there was a loud scream.

"What was that?" asked Eerin breaking away from Lister's embrace.

At first he couldn't actually give an answer, his senses were clouded with happiness, but then a thought stuck him...Cally.

Before he could explain to Eerin, she'd ran up the stairs and pushed open his bedroom door to reveal Cally, leaping about on Lister's bed, dressed only in her bra, knickers and socks, screaming her celebrations for the goal that had just been scored.

"Err, hi…" she said, when she finally spotted a distraught Eerin stood at the door on the verge of tears. Cally let out a nervous laugh "This isn't what it looks like!"


	9. Bare faced cheek

**Lar-ton's A/N: **Hey folks. Just a quick word to say hope you are still enjoying the story, and that we apologise in advance if we take longer to update in the future as we are already drowning in school work, course work, revision etc etc blah blah blah blah! We promise though, the second the exams are over, our attention will be dedicated to fanfic! Promise!  
Bye bye  
Enjoy  
Review!

Lar-ton xxxx

* * *

After an uneasy pause, Cally hesitantly turned off the TV and sat quietly down on the bed, head bowed as if to divert all attention from herself.. 

Eerin turned to Lister, she was breathing heavily and her eyes shone dangerously through a haze of tears "can you explain why the hell there is a woman in your bedroom bouncing about on your bed clad only in her underwear?"

Lister let out a nervous laugh "would you believe she's a friend?"

Eerin gave a smile that clearly said 'No way'. She then gave herself a little shake to regain her composure and marched past Lister. She was half way down the stairs when she suddenly turned back "I've forgotten something" Eerin said, smiling pleasantly at Lister, she then brought her hand across his cheek with such force Lister nearly toppled over.

"What was that for?" he moaned, holding his stinging cheek.

"That's for being a two timing bastard" screamed Eerin, racing towards the door.

"What was that about?" asked Cally, abandoning her attempt to go unnoticed,

Lister shook his head dejectedly "I wish I knew, one minute she was telling me she loved me…the next" he gently touched his cheek, wincing only slightly at the pain.

Cally made a shocked, splutter type noise "she said she loved you!"

"Yeah…"

"Then why the hell aren't you running after her?" she wailed angrily, Lister had barely opened his mouth to reply before Cally rolled her eyes "Men! Honestly, I'll be better off doin' it meself!" and with that she ran down the stairs, leapt gracefully over the couch before bolting through the door.

Lister took a second or two to wrap his head around what had just gone on "Cal" he yelled, racing after his friend "you're still in your underwear!"

Eerin meanwhile was waiting for the lift, she was sobbing uncontrollably. She'd gone round here after rejecting all doubts about Dave 'two timing' only to find out it was true…it was all too much to bear!

"EERIN!" came a shout from down the corridor,

Blinking the tears out of her eyes, Eerin got the shock of her life. The blonde 'bouncing on Dave's bed' girl was currently racing down the corridor…dressed only in her underwear, screaming Eerin's name and waving her arms about madly.

Eerin did what most normal people would do…she ran.

Who wouldn't when a screaming, half naked, scary Irish woman is chasing you?

Eerin made a dash for the stairs, briefly looking over her shoulder to see if she was still being chased.

"EERIN WAIT!" shouted Cally, stumbling slightly on the polished floor.

Eerin swore under her breath and continued to leg it. Lister at this point had just reached the lifts; he could hear frantic shouts coming from the stairs, so leant over the handrail to see Eerin running away being pursued by Cally.

"Shit…could this get any worse!" groaned Lister, before running after the both of them.

Eerin had just reached the bottom step when her foot slipped from beneath her and she tumbled to the floor, she cursed her descision to wear heels whilst pulling herself to her feet, she didn't have much time to dwell on it as someone, she guessed her hunter, rugby tackled her to the ground.

"Ow" screamed Eerin as she was grabbed by the shoulders and pinned to the floor.

"Right, stay where you are bitch or I'll-" hissed Cally, giving Eerin's hair a tug, she then stopped her with her threat "ohh, don't you have nice hair…aaaawww…it's so _soft._ I wish mine was like yours…mine keeps falling out with over dying…. i'm loosing more hair than my dad!"

When Lister finally caught up, he was fairly bemused to see Cally sat on a struggling Eerin, stroking her hair and nattering away.

"You know…if I weren't worried you'd hate me forever…I'd be really turned on by this situation!"

"Shut up" cried Eerin hysterically, "Why are you treating this like some big joke? I came round here, and I chose _not_ to believe the tabloid scandals…I gave you the benefit of the doubt…I had you down as the type of person who wouldn't two time…well I was wrong!" she spat nastily.

Lister frowned in confusion "what?" he asked,

Eerin glared at him and jerked her head towards Cally "how many others are there?" she asked, voice laced in acid "how many more 'bit on the sides' have you got…or is she your favourite"

"Wait, wait" laughed Lister, as it all suddenly became clear "you think me and Cally are at it?" he then began laughing, and Cally joined in as she realised how enormously funny it was.

"Stop laughing" whined Eerin, "it's not funny"

"It is actually" giggled Cally, letting go of her, who leapt up immediately "me and Lister, we're just mates"

Eerin looked dubious, "oh yeah" she said haughtily "then why were you half naked in his bedroom"

"She was getting ready for a gig," explained Lister, walking towards Eerin "you didn't give me time to explain…me and her" he smiled at Cally "mates…that's all!"

"Yeah, I could never date him," said Cally "he's far too short!"

Lister pulled a face at being called short "6 foot 8s' short to you…lanky cow, besides I couldn't date you either…you're an alcoholic!"

"Borderline alcoholic." corrected Cally with a grin.

Eerin's cheeks turned red, "I've fucked up a bit here haven't I?"

Cally nodded, but Lister jabbed her in the ribs, "No, you just got a little bit ahead of yourself…and I'd like to state for the record that I'd never, ever,_ ever_ under any circumstances cheat on you when we're together…that is…if you still want me!"

"And if you don't have him…who else will!" joked Cally.

Eerin said nothing but ran and wrapped her arms around Lister's shoulders and overwhelmed him with kisses, "I love you" she managed to say in-between kisses.

For a few seconds the pair were lost in their own world, gazing into each other's eyes and smiling contentedly, the only thing that ruined the experience was a sudden shout from Cally

"Bollocks! My gig!"

* * *

Lister awoke to sunlight streaming in through his bedroom windows; he gave a smile and turned over to see the space next to him empty. He propped himself up onto his elbows, and gazed around the room where items of clothing had been thrown off in the passion. He stretched, before settling back into the warmth of the bed with a satisfied sigh.

"Morning gorgeous" came a voice from the bathroom door. Lister looked up to see Eerin, dripping wet, a towel loosely wrapped round her body, her long black hair hanging on her shoulder in shiny damp ringlets.

Lister quickly adjusted the covers to hide his 'pleasure' at seeing Eerin, and replied "Hi"

Eerin smiled seductively "you said you weren't a pretty sight when you first get up in the morning…I've got to disagree…I think you look incredibly sexy!"

Lister grinned "same to be said about you!"

Eerin gave a giggle and walked across the room, allowing the towel to slip down her back, revealing a tattoo of a pair of feathery angel wings.

'How did I miss that?' thought Lister, eyeing the tattoo. He didn't think about it much as Eerin then proceeded to drop the towel completely and Lister couldn't take it any more…

"Right, sex beast…I want you right now!" he growled, wrapping his arms around Eerin's waist and nuzzling her neck. Giggling and smiling the couple fell back onto the bed and…well you get the picture!


	10. Art and lesbians

Lar-tons a/n: This chapter has taken soooooooooo long to write, but somehow imbetween conversations about wild strawberries, Chris Barries muscles, virtual pound coins, spagetti and whether we felt hot or cold today, we managed to come up with this extra long chapter. I think Liz deserves a big WELL DONE, cos she's wrote some great stuff for this chapter (Liz is pushed forward to take bow) and also Sian, who's been very patient and helpful (Sian takes bow) and also Nic, for the handcuff and cream gag...although she wants it with Orlando Bloom (Nic takes bow and cheers  
Thanks to anyone who reviews.  
Lar-ton

* * *

Have you ever done something under the blissful illusion that nobody was watching, only later you find out someone _was_ watching, an immense feeling of embarrassment sweeps through your system and you wonder whether you can actually die from excruciating humiliation.

Lister's embarrassment could be summed up in 7 words

'Lister left out of lesbian love fest!'

Choking into his coffee, he re-read the headline, as if checking to see whether it was legitimate.

Eerin, Cally and Jerry (who turned up uninvited) met to discuss the headlines.

"I don't believe it," cried Cally, pacing the flat, her eyes darting across the pages of the paper "Me…a lesbian...d'you know how many times I've been photographed with my tongue down a guys throat!"

Jerry sucked on this teeth "easy meat" he muttered

Cally snapped her head towards him "Jerry, there are two types of people in this world, people who get out there and have relationships, and the other type just sit back and fume with jealousy at everyone else…that type, Jerry, is you!"

"How'd they get the pictures though?" asked Eerin quietly

Lister wandered pointlessly over to the window "they camp outside the gate, hoping they can get some shots of me stumbling home blind drunk fondling some lap dancers tits…"

Eerin shot him a venomous look,

"Not that that's _ever_ happened" he added quickly "they just wait for something to show up, a good story or snapshot…it was just our luck that they had picked that day…"

"HOW DARE THEY FUCKING SAY THAT!" screamed Cally, kicking a coffee table that had the immense misfortune to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"Say what?" asked Eerin, Lister and Jerry in unison

Cally tried to speak but found anger had rendered her voiceless, so instead she held the article up to them.

'Cally's C- cup catastrophe'

She coughed to regain her voice and proceeded to read snippets of the article:

'Callidora Major has acquired a reputation for being an 'eyebrow' raising gal, but her recent stunt has left elderly ladies tight lipped with fury and teenage boys offering to wash their own bedding from now on...yes folks, we're talking about Major's 'lesbian tussle' in the foyer of Enhance Flats, in which 3 digit number's Dave Lister lives.

Cally snorted in disgust, "I don't believe this!"

"it's not that bad" reassured Lister, knowing how worked up Cally got about things like this.

The Irish woman tugged at her fringe agitatedly "It is bad, Lister" she wailed "look at the pictures" she held them up so the others could see "my tits are defying the laws of gravity and my legs are wide open and I AM NOT HAIVNG SEX! The only time my legs ever spread that far is during sex!"

Lister looked horrified "can we stop this conversation now please?" he begged, "I'm not really up to hearing about women's sexual experiences and preferences at the moment!"

Cally of course completely ignored him "OH GOOD LORD" she yelled "They've got a poll going on…does Cally wax, shave or pluck…. who on earth would fill that in? WHO?"

"You look like a shaving girl to me," commented Jerry, eyeing Cally's long legs thoughtfully.

Cally glared at him "and you look like a total arsehole to me!" she snapped.

Jerry pouted, and crossed his arms in a sulk. There was a second or two of silence, before he announced: "I personally prefer to wax…you can't beat the feeling of a brazilin" he grinned.

Lister shook his head appalled "this can't be happened" he whimpered, "This has _got_ to be a nightmare"

"You feel so silky and smooth afterwards" sighed Jerry,

"Right, that's it!" screamed Lister, grabbing Jerry by the cravat and hurling him to his feet, he then dragged him across the room before flinging open the door and kicking Jerry through it.

"Its just hair Lister…" reasoned Jerry as the door slammed in his face.

Lister turned back to Cally to see her still fuming, Eerin nodding along sympathetically like women do.

"I mean, do I look like a C cup? My boob job ensured that I was a D cup!" Cally shrieked grabbing Lister's hand, "Oh my god, I couldn't bare it if I was anything _less_ than big and perky" She grinned suddenly, "Here Lister, what do they feel like to you?" she asked, placing Lister's hand directly on her cleavage.

There was an hideously uneasy silence before he coughed, "like breasts?"

Cally burst into tears, "like breasts? They feel LIKE BREASTS! I have to go call my surgeon." with that she stomped out in her 5-inch stilettos leaving Lister and Eerin alone,

"Mmmm, us alone- what shall we do?" Lister was just leaning in for a kiss when Eerin's boob started vibrating,

"What the-?"

Eerin gave him an apologetic glance and answered her phone. "Hello...speaking... sorry..." she then let out an excited yell and flung her arms round Lister's neck, taking him completely by surprise,

Her phone slipped to the floor but she ignored it, preferring to scream instead.

"What's up?" asked Lister

Eerin began kissing him, "tell you later-," she muttered, undoing his shirt and kissing him adoringly. Lister shrugged his shoulders and allowed Eerin to pull him onto the couch.

* * *

The reason for Eerin's excitement was the news that her artwork had been accepted for an exhibition for new talent.

It was a fairly glamorous affair, some of the biggest names in the art industry were there as well as a handful of A list celebs, check books on stand by, ready to purchase any artwork that takes their fancy.

The voices of the art lovers rang off the white walls of the gallery. It was all meant to be relaxed; yet there was an unfriendly feeling to the event. Art experts sauntered from piece to piece, berating them as they went whilst the celebs talked loudly about how you never could get a decent bite of eat at soirées like these.

Eerin was panicking, but was trying her hardest not to show it. She kept running her tongue across her lips, each time wiping off a tiny bit of lipstick; she kept fiddling with her earring, smoothing out her skirt, and turning round sharply whenever anyone walked past.

"Eerin…hun" said Lister softly "I don't mean to sound cruel but you look as agitated as a serial masturbator with his hands tied during the Miss World swim suit

contest…"

"What?" frowned Eerin, as she'd only been half listening

"You look nervous."

Eerin grimaced "damn" she hissed under her breath "it's noticeable"

Lister took hold of her hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze "you'll be fine" he smiled "I know you will…and if any of these prats with rods stuck up their arses have a bad word to say about you or you're artwork…I'll tell them to fuck off!"

Eerin raised her eyebrows "you'd seriously tell the most important people in art to 'fuck off'"

Lister nodded eagerly, making Eerin laugh. She then felt a hand on her arm; turning round she smiled when she saw who it was,

"Sian!" she exclaimed excitedly, throwing her arms around her friend and pulling her into a hug,

Lister smiled at the girly reuninion and waited politely to be introduced, not that he really needed to be introduced,

When the hug stopped, Sian scrutinised his face, Lister could almost guess what was coming

'Don't I know you?' that was code for 'oh my God, you're in that band aren't you!'

"So, this is your boyfriend" she said before turning to Eerin "always been a lucky girl when it comes to fellas haven't you" she teased.

Eerin dismissed her friends statement with a small laugh "what about you…you've had half the male population after you"

Sian rolled her eyes "yeah, I got all the heart breakers, two timers, workaholics, skitzos and general morons…the only decent guys left out there are either married or gay!"

Eerin grinned and poked Sian in the ribs, "Oh come on! I know you, there's more to it than that..."

Sian froze for a second, "So tell me about your art show-"

"Tell me woman!" Eerin demanded, gaining herself a few looks from conservative art critics,

Sian blushed three shades of purple before fidgeting with her sleeve

"Well-"

"Yes..."

"I-"

"Yes..."

Lister groaned as he saw the conversation getting longer and longer, he and Eerin exchanged glances "Sian get to the point already!"

"Ihavetwoguysfightingovermeandidontknowwhattodo!"

Lister frowned, "Huh?"

Eerin turned to him, resting a hand on his forearm, "Don't worry babe, that was girl speak for 2 guys wanting 1 ass, in this case Sian's"

Lister frowned from confusion before nodding, "I understand... I think"

By this time Eerin had turned back to Sian, "So, who are they?"

"Um, remember Dan? And then there's Arn, he's -a little unorthodox but soooooooo sweet" Sian's lip trembled, "I don't know what to do. They're. Both. So. GORGEOUS."

Eerin pulled her friend into a sympathetic hug rubbing her back until the tears dispersed into hiccups. "Don't worry hun we'll figure summit out, promise…"

Lister shifted uncomfortably at the girly sign of affection. In under 5 minutes they'd gone from surprised, to happy, to sad, panicked, sad and now hopeful. Something he had to spend an entire 3 months in a recording studio to achieve.

Sian took a great gulp of air before bursting into a fresh set of tears, "AND I think my bum is spreading"

Eerin gave her a horrified look and hugged her quickly,

Lister finally decided to inject a comment into the conversation, "Ah well, men like a nice big arse. More cushin' for the pushin'!"

Sian gave a final whimper before looking at Lister "really?" she asked teary-eyed.

"Yeah" nodded Lister, hurriedly

Sian gave a pleased grin "good...I love my bottom now!" she sang

Lister nodded reassuringly before seeing an all to familiar head of curly unmanageable hair "Rimmer!"

The mass of curls swung round, to face Lister confusion written across his face before recognition and a replaced it

"Lister!"

Lister returned the smile, as Rimmer walked over. "Why didn't you tell me you were in town Rimsy?"

"Ah, i'm just here for the exhibition, i'm the times' new art critic" beamed Rimmer proudly, producing a shiny laminated pass labelled "PRESS"

There was a small cough from behind Lister, reminding him of Eerin's presence, "Hey, Rimmer this is my new girlfriend, Eerin."

Eerin's grin widened manically as he said "girlfriend" to shake hands with Rimmer who nodded politely, "-and this is her good friend Sian, um I just met her"

Lister laughed nervously as he introduced Sian, there was a few seconds penetrating silence before-

"Sian?"

"Arn?"

"Sian!"

"Arn!"

"Well that's cleared up name problems," muttered Lister to Eerin

"What are you doing here!" asked Rimmer, grinning from ear to ear.

"Looking at art, what are you doing here?"

"Looking at art."

"Well you cant-" said Sian, rather put out

"Why?"

"Because I am-"

Lister blinked, "Do you two know each other?" he asked, turning from one to the other.

Sian blushed, whilst Rimmer smirked, "We know each other _very_ well."

Sian flushed angrily, "It was just one time!" she said rather embarrassed.

"-You see we had-"

"-I mean ONE time, its not that big a deal…"

"-Been working together for a while-" mused Rimmer happily

"-ONE TIME-" repeated Sian

"-And I asked her out-" he sighed

"Will you stop going on about it! It was one time! We didn't even do anything-"

"-And we had coffee-" Rimmer winked at Lister, earning a scowl off of Sian,

"You're impossible!"

Rimmer frowned "This is coming from you!"

"Yes"

"Hypocrite"

"I'm allowed!" said Sian smugly, crossing her arms

Rimmer snorted, "What makes you special?"

"I'm of the female species and therefore intellectually and emotionally

superior. THATS WHY!"

If looks could kill, Rimmer would now be 6ft under, but, as is the case Rimmer was very much alive and trying not to curl up in fear at Sian's penetrating glare.

Lister decided to make a last minute save on his friend's behalf. "I don't mean to be rude Sian but- is it that time of the month?"

"Hush" snapped Sian, making Lister recoil quickly

"That's a yes then" he said quietly.

Sian gave him a quick sneer before turning back to Rimmer "what is your problem?"

Rimmer laughed "my problem...I think the question here is what's _your_ problem?"

"I don't have a problem" smirked Sian

"I beg to differ!"

"Git" hissed Sian angrily

"Oh here we go," sighed Rimmer "no more back chat...so she cuts straight to the insults"

"You call that an insult" said Sian, with forced sweetness "try this one on for size then. Out of all the scum I've had the misfortune to meet in my time you have got to be, without doubt, the most arrogant, self centred, over opinionated, malicious, resentful, immoral, unscrupulous, detestable piece of moronic manhood not worthy of the title of 'human'" she paused "but by GOD I love you" she then clamped herself to a rather taken aback looking Rimmer, when they finally broke apart some five minutes later they were both breathless

"I'll just-," said Rimmer weakly, pointing to the other side of the room

Sian simply nodded and sorted out her hair.

Lister and Eerin stood open mouthed,

"What was that?" asked Lister finally.

"It looked like making out," giggled Eerin

"Making out? Us? I hate him, absolutely hate him and the way he makes me skin. Tingle when he strokes my arm...and those rough, calloused lips make me wanna jump into the nearest bed with fluffy pink handcuffs and whipped cream...mmmm... like I said I HATE him!"


	11. Killer music

**Lar-ton's A/N:** **WOOHHOO, 1 chapter lefty, hope u enjoyed the journey, the end...short and sweet. :D**

**

* * *

**Lister paced the dressing room for what seemed the millionth time that hour; he stopped to run his hands through his hair anxiously before taking to pacing again. 

Paul looked up from his magazine, and grinned, "Not nervous are you, Davey?" he asked, knowing full well what the answer would be.

Lister spun round to face him and laughed, "Nervous?" he said, voice far too shrill "Why would I be nervous? -This is my first live gig in over 3 years, there's 500,000 people out there, all screaming…all watching me…. waiting for me to screw up…oh fucking hell!" he yelled, before collapsing to the floor.

Paul gave Bob a sly smile before screwing the cap off a bottle, "Here, get this down your neck" he laughed, handing the bottle to Lister,

Not even looking to see what it was, Lister took a big swig, before gagging "This is whisky!" he said, handing it back to Paul hurriedly "I can't go on stage pissed!"

Bob looked outraged "What d'you mean you can't go on stage pissed?" he exclaimed "Back in the days, we used to go on pissed, get more pissed during the gig, come off pissed and then go and get even more pissed!"

Lister bit his lip and he remembered his previous drunken exploits at gigs, granted it was as funny as hell stumbling onto the stage completely blitzed, the crowd loved it but things had a tendency to go wrong.

He vaguely remembered forgetting the words to one of his own songs during a gig, the sheer embarrassment of having to ask the crowd 'What line goes next?' for a song he'd written himself.

"We were as a drunk as the Pistols, man" agreed Paul, "We didn't care about nothin'!"

Lister sighed, "I'm out of touch, guys" he said miserably "I'm a disgrace to the name of rock and roll...I can't even remember the last time I nutted a photographer or stormed out of an interview...or smashed up a hotel room…or swore on live telly or-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah" interrupted Bob "We get the picture!"

Paul shook the whiskey in Lister's direction temptingly, "Care to join us?"

Lister hesitated before grabbing the bottle; he gave Paul and Bob a grin. Paul was the oldest member of 3-digit number. He was a burly biker type guy with a shaved head and a large scraggly beard. He was as tall as he was broad and despite his somewhat threatening appearance was one of the nicest guys Lister knew.

Bob on the other hand, was the complete opposite; he was tall...and tall means T-A-L-L. He was as thin as a rake, his black hair was sculpted permenantly into a moheacan and his right arm was covered from wrist to shoulder with tattoos, he had several facial piercing and one lower down that he only wanted the ladies to know about.

"The bad boys back…" joked Paul

Lister frowned "Whatcha mean 'back'? I never left"

It was at that point that the door to the lad's dressing room burst open. Their mouths hung open in a mixture of shock and disgust.

The reason for their reaction... Jerry

He had donned a skin tight PVC flamingo pink cat suit with clung to his plump figure, on his feet he wore big black snake skin dominatrix boots with platform heels, a black feather boa was draped around his neck whilst chains and various items of metal wound their way up his naked arms. He wore a black studded choker on his neck and in his hand held a black riding whip.

He gave them a dazzling grin that, shockingly, the boys did not return.

A hideously long, uneasy silence followed before Bob spoke "what-are-you-wearing?" he managed to choke

Jerry's glossed smile slipped a little "everyone wears this at rock concerts" he said, adjusting the PVC so it didn't cling quite so tightly to his chest

Lister let out a harsh laugh "-and what rock concerts have you been to? Erotica the musical?"

"So you think I've overdone it a bit?" asked Jerry, his shoulders slumped dejectedly "My original idea was leather hot pants and a netted tank top? Should I go home and change?"

Lister stood up "Jerry, here's what you do...go home...go into your wardrobe...close the door...stay there...forever!"

Bob and Paul laughed before following Lister towards the stage,

Jerry was suddenly left all alone, he snorted "how will I see what clothes i'm putting on if I close the door…" he laughed...he then realised what Lister was trying to say "hang on" he fumed, tottering away after them.

Lister stood at the side of the stage and listened to the scream of the crowd, it seemed to make his heart and chest vibrate it was that loud, he took a deep breath and grabbed his guitar. He watched as the supporting act 'Activation' came running off stage.

"Ladies and gentleman" boomed the tanoy "Please give it up for 3 digit number!" The screams and shouts reached an ear splitting climax as the lads ran on stage.

Bob took his place at his drums and Paul stood to the left of the stage. Lister struck the first few chords of 'Eating Crackers in the Rain', one of their biggest hits, and the screaming started again, if possible even louder this time.

Lister was off then...he always put on a big show when doing a gig; he'd gained a reputation for running around stage, leaping off amplifiers and generally whipping the audience up into a frenzy.

As the song ended, Lister closed his eyes for a second or two and smiled.

He'd missed this...the thing was he didn't even know he missed it, but now he'd tasted the feeling of having an entire audience hanging onto your every word he realized how much it all meant to him.

He turned to the audience "If there are any of you out there right now thinking 'who the fuck is he'...I'll explain. My name is Dave Lister-" he paused as the walls of the stadium echoed with screams "and I...believe it or not...Iam in this band...I've just been in hiding...but i'm back now and it feels pretty frickin' fucking fantastic!"

He laughed as the screaming started up yet again, "Now, allow me to introduce you to a very close friend of mine" he held an arm out to Paul "A man who needs no introduction...he's an arse!"

Paul glared at him before laughing, "-and damn proud of it!" he yelled,

"Ladies and gentleman, Paul!" the crowd roared their approval; Lister turned to Bob "-and make some noise for perhaps the best drummer since Trè Cool...BOB!" Bob gave a grin and effortless spun his drumstick round his slender fingers.

"Okay, we're going to get things going with a little song called...'Pink shirts'...anyone know it?"

The concert was going well...better than well…terrific even. Lister was loving every second of it, they were about half way through, Lister was racing round belting out their hits on his guitar and as he spun round he came face to face with Jerry. He toppled over in shock, "What are you doing here?" he hissed, jumping to his feet

"Lister-" Jerry began

"Jerry, not now...i'm in the middle of the concert so sod off!"

"It's Eerin"

Lister felt his blood run cold. Eerin had called him shortly before the concert to say she had to work for a bit, but she would be there as soon as possible. Lister's guitar slipped to the floor with a clang, and an eerie silence fell over the crowd as he raced off stage.

Paul and Bob exchanged confused looks. Jerry glanced nervously at the crowd before gabbing the horns gesture into the air "ROCK ON" he shouted, grinning manically before Paul and Bob abandoned their instruments and joined Lister offstage.

"Lister?" asked Paul, upon finding Lister shaking, with tears streaking his cheeks.

"Eerin" Lister muttered "She's been in a car crash…"


	12. Worming your way out of it

**Lar-ton's A/N:** Firstly, we need to explain something in the previous chapter...as a good friend of ours said 'How does Lister know Rimmer if Rimmer was meant to be on Red Dwarf?' We then told this person to stop being so bloody picky...but we now realised we did leave out a little bit of an explanation. So here it is: in this universe everyone is having a good life...Lister is a rock star and Rimmer _didn't_ go on Red Dwarf and didn't become the neurotic, jumped up smeghead we all know and love. In this universe he left Io and become a nice, well rounded person of society with little or no hang ups and enjoys getting it on with Sian...there, done! 'Thank you's are due to Smegginitlarge, cos she's been a big help and a diligent reviewer and also Feline Ranger...for proving that it wasn't just one person reading...thank you thank you!

* * *

There was a stunned silence among the crowd of the concert, which gradually turned into quiet murmurs and finally full on shouting.

Jerry grimaced, "don't' worry" he reassured "they'll be back any second!" he look expectantly towards the side of the stage, tapping his hands on his PVC clad thighs nervously.

They didn't come back any second.

They didn't come back any minute either.

In fact, they didn't come back at all; Paul had taken his car and was currently driving Lister to the hospital where Eerin had been taken, Bob had tagged along for support. This left Jerry alone with a stadium full of rock fans who were pretty peeved that they'd paid to see 3 digit number but we're stuck with some overweight freak with a fetish for too-tight cat suits and sexual toys.

Jerry began to sweat as millions of pairs of eyes glared at him; he gave a nervous laugh but wished he hadn't as it echoed about the walls and emphasized the uneasy silence.

What could he do?

Suddenly an idea struck him, "are you all ready for this!" he yelled, he then began to break dance.

"Yeah" he shouted, as he spun round. "That's what I'm talking about!"

The crowd exchanged un-amused looks; it wouldn't have been so bad if the break dancing had been half decent, Jerry's break dancing could only be described as the equivalent a jelly man mould having a epileptic fit, he wobbled about and flung his limbs left and right, nodding, smiling and winking at the crowd.

Just when the concert goers thought things couldn't possibly get any worse, Jerry dropped to the floor and did the 'worm', well he tried to but he ended up giving himself a wedge as the PVC stuck to the floor.

He clambered to his feet, and heaved a sigh, he then had another idea. He took a few steps back and ran towards the edge of the stage, flailing his arms wildly, screaming at the top of his lungs before throwing himself off the stage.

The crowd parted and Jerry sailed through the air and landed with a painful, bone bashing, skin bruisingthud on the floor. The crowd dispersed and made their way out of the stadium.

"A little help here?" muttered Jerry, face down on the concrete floor "hello?"

* * *

Nurse Reynolds yawned and scratched her head. It was coming to the end of her shift and it was at this point that boredom and fatigue really took their toll.

She was vaguely aware of the sound of hurried footsteps on the squeaky clean floors and a shadow being cast on her paperwork.

"I need to see Eerin Reilly, she was brought in here, she' s been in a car crash." came a breathless and fretful voice from behind her desk,

She heaved a sigh and rolled her eyes upward to deal with, most probably, her last case of the day.

Her eyes met Lister's, and she halted her sentence, she was vaguely aware her tongue was hanging out but did nothing about it.

Lister leant on the desk for support "Listen, you can either help me or sit there and drool and I'll go find a nurse who can take me to my girlfriend" he said icily.

Nurse Reynolds mentally shook herself out of her trance and leapt off her chair "I can allow you to see her but…well we've not had chance to clean her up yet" she paused "She was in rather a bad way when she arrived, her condition is severe but stable."

Lister felt like his legs would give way from beneath him, but he somehow he mustered the strength to stay upright; he shakily followed Nurse Reynolds down a corridor.

She stopped at a door and gave Lister a concerned look "I'll understand if you want to put off seeing her in this state, it can be quite distressing"

Lister shook his head "no" he whispered "I want to see her as soon as possible…"

Nurse Reynolds nodded understandingly before gently pushing open the door and allowing Lister to enter.

She looked almost peaceful lying on the hospital bed, connected to a drip and various other medical paraphernalia; Lister tentatively took a few steps towards her.

He felt his eyes sting with tears as he saw how vulnerable she looked. Her arms were bruised black and blue, there were cuts and gashes across the delicate features of her face and they'd cut away some of her hair to stitch an injury to her head.

"She'll go mad at that," laughed Lister sadly, "her hairs her best feature…she'll not thank you for ruining it"

Nurse Reynolds gave a half smile, "the doctor will be along soon, you can stay here for now."

Lister nodded and turned his attention back to Eerin.

He gently took hold of her hand, taking care to avoid the hypodermic needle, and stroked it with his thumb.

He allowed his eyes to wander across her frail body, making a mental note of her injuries; it was then he noticed a dark fairly large bruise on her wrist. He gently turned it over to see that it wasn't a bruise but a tattoo.

Freshly done, as blood was still outlined it's design. He couldn't help smiling as he read what it said. 'Dave' was written in black gothic lettering inside a gray love heart.

Lister stroked her wrist dreamily, as her eyelids fluttered open, "Dave?" her voice cracked, her eyes squinted but a tiny smile was evident on her lips.

Lister sat bolt upright, "Eerin" he said quickly, "It's okay, i'm here!"

Eerin giggled, "I see that"

"I do not believe you" teased Lister "you've been involved in a car crash and you still manage to be sarcastic...that's gotta be a skill!"

Eerin squeezed Lister's hand tightly, "i'm glad you were here when I woke up- what time is it?"

Lister quickly glanced at his watch "nearly 1" he sighed "I was so worried...Jerry's probably gonna kill me, but I don't really give a fuck…"

"You left the concert!"Eerin squeaked in disbelief

"You were more important," said Lister "I love you Eerin...and when it came to choosing between you and a crappy concert, you came top and I didn't even have to think about it!"

"But! The Fans! The Money- your... I..." she blushed, "I Lov...I got a new tattoo," she muttered tilting her head towards her wrist

"Yeah, I noticed. I haven't shown you mine have I?" Eerin shook her head, looking intrigued

Lister grinned, "I doubt the hospital staff would appreciate me stripping off"

Eerin's eyes widened, "Ooohh where is it? Don't be a spoil sport!" she persisted hopefully.

Lister checked to see no one was looking, before hastily unbuttoning his shirt; he turned round and lowered it enough for Eerin to see. He smiled as he heard her gasp.

His tattoo was of an angel, spread across most of his back. She had dark black hair and mischievous green eyes and lips the colour of blood. A pair of feathery silver wings folded spread wide across his shoulder blades.

"Is it supposed to be me?" Eerin asked excitedly

Lister grinned, "No, I just happen to have a fetish for dark haired, gorgeous eyed girls…"

Eerin looked almost heartbroken; making Lister smile "course its you" he said softly "you're my guardian angel, always watching my back…literally!"

Eerin suddenly went very quiet, her eyes widened in horror, Lister followed her gaze and let out a loud groan when he saw Jerry.

He'd thankfully changed from his Rocky Horror show type outfit into something marginally better, his bottle green suit with his favorite lilac silk shirt. For some reason, unbeknownst to Lister, his face was bruised and had a slightly squashed look about it.

"You are-" started Jerry but he stopped and gave a high-pitched wail as he saw Lister's tattoo. Before he knew what was happening Lister was grabbed by the arm, spun round at an amazing speed and his shirt torn from his grasp.

Jerry's scream increased considerably in pitch as he saw the full extent of the tattoo, "Tell me it's a transfer," he wailed, before licking his striped tie and scrubbing at Lister's tattoo hoping it's come off.

It didn't.

"How dare you" yelled Jerry, giving up his attempt to remove the tattoo.

"How dare I what?" snapped Lister, franticly tugging his shirt back on,

"How dare you get a tattoo...WITHOUT MY PERMISSION!"

Lister froze long enough to shoot Jerry a venomous glare "I think we need to get something straight...you are only my manager, not my owner!"

"Don't forget Lister" said Jerry slowly and forcefully "It was ME who got you where you are today, It was ME who got you countless record deals, concert tours, endorsement deals, chat shows, fan clubs, groupies. It was me who made you into the success you are today...and now you're willing to throw that all away for some _girl_" he spat, waving his hand at Eerin, who shrank away.

"Eerin is not just some girl," retorted Lister taking a step towards Jerry "she is the girl I love...the girl I intend to marry…"

It was at that point Eerin's ears pricked up...granted it weren't the engagement she'd dreamt of...but it was sweet enough. Her smile a mile wide, she settled back onto the hospital pillows and watched Jerry get a good talking to.

"She means more to me than anything."

Jerry rolled his eyes and tutted "D'you have to be so cliché?"

Lister frowned slightly "yeah..." he then punched Jerry square on the chin, sending him reeling backwards into a chair.

Eerin clapped and whooped with delight as Jerry dragged himself upright "I think you broke my jaw" he groaned, hand placed firmly on his aching chin.

"Well, you're in the right place to get it sorted out aren't you?" smiled Lister, "oh and by the way...you're fired"

"F-fired" repeated Jerry, flabbergasted "but...but...you...I!"

"Bye" said Lister, gently pushing him out the door

"Sod the morphine that's made me feel _so_ much better" grinned Eerin.


	13. End of the line

**Lar-ton's A/N:** This chapter would have been uploaded last night…but due to cough technical difficulties we couldn't. You see Sunrise looks towards Rage in the hope she won't have to tell the horridly embarrassing story that fully highlights her stupidity, no luck as Rage shakes her head Fanfic went all funny on me, so I thought I'd just load it onto Document manager and load it later…we came to load it this morning in tutorial…only groans and bangs head on desk I'd loaded it onto my sunrise account. Needless to say Rae went on and on and on about it all day long…curse her!

Anyway, Last chapter (Ooohh chapter 13, spooky!) and we'd just like to say we hoped all enjoyed it…and if you've been reading but not reviewing, please do one for this chapter…please! BIG thank you to Smegginitlarge (Rockin' our socks!) and Feline Ranger, for simply reviewing.  
Cheers  
Final note: my, my this is a long A/N…

* * *

The opening titles of the news programe faded out as the blonde newswoman raised her head.

Despite the fact she had the won the 'Sunniest smile on TV' award 3 years running, her face was grave.

She politely cleared her throat before reading off the auto-cue. "The world of music is today in mourning...for the death of Rock legend, Dave Lister."

An image of Lister appeared next to her as she paused respectfully.

"His death has shocked and saddened the industry, his fans, but most of all his friends. Dave Lister, front man of 3-digit number has changed the world of music with his controversial attitude to life and song writing. He's redifined music, and his death will be a great loss to everyone…"

The newswoman performed a well-practiced hair flick before continuing in the same monotone voice "Hundreds of fans have gathered outside the Marlinton Record studio, where Dave recorded most of his music".

Eerin sat and stared at the TV screen without blinking.

She knew she shouldn't be watching this...it would only upset her. She could already feel herself on the verge of tears.

It was silly really.

What would Dave say if he could see her now?

She moved her hand towards the remote, but then thought better of it. She went back to hugging her knees, concentration solely on the TV, hanging onto the newswoman's every word.

She jumped out of her skin as a strong pair of arms wrapped themselves around her shoulders protectively.

"What are you watching?" whispered a voice in her ear.

"Your death" she smiled, nodding her head towards the TV.

Lister laughed "Is there nothing better on?

"It's really weird," sighed Eerin, moving over so Lister could sit down. "I mean, they're all going on about you dying...and well you here, with me very much alive..." she paused "are you sure this is what you want?" she asked gently

"God yeah" replied Lister "I'm sick of all that rock star crap, and I can still write music here, I'll just send it over to Paul and Rob and they'll say they found it, they can release an album, get all the fame and all that other junk...and I can be happy here with you!"

Eerin smiled and cuddled close to Lister "I love you"

"Yeah, I love me too" teased Lister,

"Big head" yelled Eerin hitting Lister about the head with a pillow, before her arms were pinned down. She giggled as Lister leaned in for a kiss and didn't argue when he started to slide her camisole straps off her shoulders.

Just as things were getting raunchy, they were rudely interrupted.

"Yoo-hoo!" called Cally, throwing her arms wide to further announce her arrival just incase flinging the door open with tremendous force wasn't enough.

Lister swore as Eerin hurriedly pulled her top back on. "Don't you ever knock?" he snapped, getting off the couch, Cally gave him an incredulous look before walking back over to the door and tapping her knuckles on it. "Ha ha" said Lister, unenthusiastically.

Cally flashed him a smile "Not interrupting anything am I?"

"Well yes actually" said Eerin,

Cally simply shrugged "It's okay, just carry on with it, pretend i'm not here…"

"No... We'll erm, leave it till later!"

"Listen, I've got some great news...I've met this guy, and he's the _one_"

The reaction to this wasn't the one Cally hoped for; Lister rolled his eyes and walked over to the drinks cabinet. He placed a large bottle of whiskey on the coffee table "booze on standby" he said, flopping down the sofa.

Cally frowned "but this guy's different!" she protested, looking towards Eerin for feminine support.

"Sure, just like all the others," said Lister sarcastically.

Cally gave him a sharp slap on the back of the head "reserve your judgement till you meet him" and with that she scurried out the door before returning seconds later with her 'new man' in tow.

Lister had to admit, even at first sight, this guy was different. He was the complete opposite of Cally's usual type. He was fairly short and skinny with light brown hair, no highlights (for some unnameable reason, Cally loved guys with highlights) and extensive 5 o clock shadow, and glasses.

"Hi" he waved nervously "I'm Warren"

Cally beamed "he's a writer" she announced excitedly.

Lister was really taken aback by that statement "A writer...what, not a DJ, or an up and coming pop star?"

"Or an out of work porn star?" offered Eerin

"No" sighed Cally "a writer…"

Lister frowned, "What d'you write about?"

Warren coughed, "Mostly nature, and animals, literature" he glanced at Cally, "...love"

Eerin gave him another look over, "Not celebrity exposes?" she asked, scrupulously

"No..."

"Poodle hairstyles?"

"Not that I recall"

"How to firm your breasts naturally?"

"I-"

"How to achieve the _ultimate_ orgasm?"

Warren blushed a fetching shade of magenta, "Well I've been known to dabble in the erotic, yes but-"

Eerin whooped, "I knew it!"

Cally slipped a long arm round his waist and bit her lip, "Do you want to hear what he wrote for me?" she said dreamily.

Lister nodded grimly, whilst Warren took out a slip of paper from his pocket.

"Cally. My Buttercup. Your hair is like -a buttercup. You eyes are like - a blue dolphin. You breasts are like two slightly over-ripe pomegranates. You are my love, wonderful. You make my heart beat faster than when a lion chased me. You make my stomach feel like it was going to fall out when I ate rotten carrots when I had the cheap vegetarian special at le noir chat. You are my scally-wag. Mischievous, my sweet Cally…"

Lister and Eerin tried not to look too freaked out as Warren looked at them expectantly.

"Isn't he sweet?" cooed Cally, pulling Warren into a tight bear hug.

"Yeah, you guys coming outside?"

"No thanks" laughed Cally "we prefer to have sex indoors!"

It took a few seconds for Lister to get what she was going on about "Mate" he said to Warren "I'd leg it if I were you!"

He then walked out into the garden after Eerin. Sian and Rimmer were sat on a sun bed together, arguing but looking incredibly sweet wrapped in each other's arms.

From the looks of it, Rimmer was loosing the argument, but rather then admit defeat he simply placed his lips on Sian's and kissed her.

It is impossible, of course, to argue and kiss at the same time.

Eerin slipped her arms round Lister "happy? She sighed.

"More than you will ever know" he smiled.

It was when he was sat by Eerin's bedside in the hospital, did Lister suddenly have an idea. Well, it was more of thought.

He needed to get away from everything; he needed to get away from Jerry, the band, his music career. But hiding had proved firstly difficult and pointless.

It was then that an idea presented itself to Lister. If he died...then he'd get away from all this...

He made a few calls, and faked his own death before leaving the country. He'd bought a small island off the south coast of Barbados (an impulse buy he had to admit) a few years back, the locals were friendly, trustworthy and it was a cert that no paparazzi would be there.

And here he was, stood next to the girl he loved, his friends and their partners close by.

"What about Jerry?" asked Eerin suddenly "you never said what happened to him!"?

Lister grinned "You're not gonna believe this but...he's moved to San Francisco with Gwen!"

"No way" laughed Eerin, "San Francisco!"

"Yep, I can just picture Jerry and Gwen now...waltzing their way down the sidewalk, Tipsie trotting behind along them with her scary looking offspring...if you ask me they deserve each other!"

"Like I deserve you," said Eerin cheekily.

Lister pulled her close "Eerin, I'm gonna do this proper...so, here I go...Eerin, would you marry me?"

Eerin screamed happily "YES, YES, YES" she cried, dancing about.

Elsewhere Rimmer stroked Sian's hair as she lay in the sun "Sian?" he said thoughtfully.

Sian titled her head towards him to show she was listening,

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure…"

"What would you say if I asked you to marry me?"

Sian blinked before yelling "Hell Yeah!" she flung her arms around Rimmer's neck and promptly burst into tears of joy.

In the living room, Cally and Warren were cuddled up close on the couch.

"Warren…" said Cally, "D'you reckon we should get married?"

The Vicar smiled. "I now pronounce you man and wife!"

The guests cheered, some dapped their eyes as the couple shared their first kiss as a married couple. And as they both ran down the aisle, confetti showering on them, they stopped and gazed at each adoringly.

"Love you Gwen!"

"Love you Jerry!"

**END**

dangles pocket watch infront of readers eyes YOU WILL REVIEW, YOU WILL REVIEW, YOU WILL REVIEW, YOU WILL CLUCK LIKE A CHICKEN WHILST REVIEWING!


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